Jokes Collection

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip
went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back home. The airport
on the other end had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.


Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a
scrooge) Going to
check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had
become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging
mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointer parts, that could be
taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if we were
married, I would not want to
kiss you under such a ghastly mo
ckery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the
mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which
is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."


"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"


"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

At the airport for a business trip, I settled

down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard
the
voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for
the
inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate
41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we
gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just
as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program.

A
blind man was describing his favorite
sport, parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said
that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door with my
seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My
hand is placed on my
release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know
when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense
of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet
from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift
your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural

America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended
on
the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The
aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left
smoldering in a
tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the
smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or
the President's
staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was
plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing at all happened. They
hurried over to surround the
man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior
Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath.

"Did
you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of
the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any
survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight o
ut." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done
buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."

"The
President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in

disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his
work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he
is."

A blonde gets
an opportunity to fly to a
nearby country. She has never been on an
airplane anywhere and was
very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded
the plane, a
Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over
seat to seat
and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!
BO....."

She
sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears

the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts

"Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and
everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of
a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the
pilot to show
up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally
appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit
through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles
down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their
eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not
react thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with
some uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.

Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
So
me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to

the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more

hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway
left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and
is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the
passengers aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to
take off!"

Bill Clinton,
Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al
Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air
Force 1 on their way to
visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing
Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out
the window and
make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the
window and make
ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window
and make me and Tipper
happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump
out the window and make everybody
throughout the United States and
world happy."

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf
of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight
602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of
the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe
that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of
the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing
has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving
at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the
air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

A man jumps out of an airplane with a

parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He
doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth
rapidly
approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the
parachute
and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past
his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet, another man goes
shooting up past him. In desperation, the man
with the chute looks up
and yells, "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you
know anything
about gas stoves?!"

An airliner was having engine
trouble,
and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few
minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was
buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the
reply, "except the lawyers
are still going around passing out business
cards."

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in
the
first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to
her and
tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class
ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good
job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who
asks the blonde
to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to
do at this point because
they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off;
the blode is causing a problem with
boarding now, so the stewardess gets
the copilot.

The copilot
goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head
st
ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move
to
her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front
half of the
airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised
to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for
a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you
cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot
and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her
the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky
you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man
tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I'll kick
you".

The next moment, both
he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot
turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you
complain too
much!"

A small two-seater Cessna
152 plane
crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central
Poland. Polish
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.

A military cargo plane, flying over a

populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot
tries
to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he
yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the
plane
lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts
the pilot. So
they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They
heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls
out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into
a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol

hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's
crying even harder. Again
they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle
hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a
boy on the sidewalk who's
laughing hysterically. They ask h
im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy
replies, "I sneezed and a
house blew up!"

As migration approached, two elderly vultures

doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by

airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks,"
replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where

the fuel truck is."

USAir recently introduced a special
half
fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to

all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking
how
they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking,
"What
trip?"

"Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
other adults
acting like children."

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft

declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir.
It's only the same pilot.

Tower: What's your heigth and
position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.