Jokes Collection

On a flight
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.

After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet
you're not
now!"

"Flight 1234, are you
ready to copy
holding instructions?"
"Center, make that request on the next
frequency...."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your

wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"

Little boy to airline pilot:

"You're
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."

Pilot:

"Not if I
do it right."

A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.

"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"

After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."

How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a

modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is
there to bite the captain
if he tries to touch the controls, and the
co-pilot is there to feed the
dog.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a

major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of

nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000

tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"

McNally was taking his first plane ride,
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. "It's
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. "Miss," he said,

"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?"

As a crowded airliner is about to
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment

to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,

embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,

whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask
s
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I
showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose."

An airline captain was breaking in a very

pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn't get out of her
room.

"You can't get out of
your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied,
"There are only three doors in here, "she
cried," one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says 'Do Not
Disturb'!"

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me

to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he
would
always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer
questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the
reserve doesn't
open, how long do we have until we hit the
ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and
answered,
"The rest of your life."

I have a friend who is a pilot on a
747.

I said "Hi Jack."

He shot me.

According to "The Australian," an airliner
recently encountered severe
vibration in flight.

The captain
decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the
seat belt
sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger
emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been
jogging in place
inside.

From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.

The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she

hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always

worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess

demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly

every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.

"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."


She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again
he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.


And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with

her.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and

nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she

hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always

worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess

demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly

every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.

"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."


She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again
he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.


And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with

her.

Flight fifty
has a pretty rough time
above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the
intercom: "Ladies and
gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and
assume crash
positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put
this baby as
gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there
any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a
little old lady,
terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a
special
gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for

emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and
legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the

little lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they
won't enjoy it so
much".