Jokes Collection

"Sherlock Holmes, you have heard what people think, the attention that the original babies from the sky appeared in the cabbage? So today write on sites with aphorisms."
"And I would, Watson, did not trust this air company not that babies, but also transportation of cabbage Victor weighing more than 8 cat kilograms."

"Mother! You promised, that on a new apartment is a master real estate not will climb in our refrigerator!"
"It's not the landlord."
"Dad! You promised that in the new apartment, the refrigerator will not slurp scary clowns!"
"It's not a clown, baby."
"Yes? But then what kind of gang of scary clowns, vile champing at night at the open refrigerator?"
"It's an advertising Agency working for cian.ru, baby."

Hello. My name is Anatoly Yurkin.

Among the activists and visitors of the site aphorism.ru I'm doing a survey. Who does the activist "(Galu Galina) " hate more: oligarch Alisher Usmanov or his wife Irina Viner?

The answer "Envies all wives of all Uzbeks" gives +1 point.
The answer "Envies all wives whose husbands buy fur coats" gives +2 points.

"Honey, my eyes hurt from the new monitor. Bring some eye drops. Drip to me."

"What are you, hubby? Not reading aphorism.ru? Wait. Blood delivery service promises one and a half liters of fresh blood. Bring, then we will bury... (drop by drop) the blood of enemies."

"The train of Russian democracy has arrived at its destination! Request all to leave cars!"
"The Butler! Whores! More vodka! And black caviar! Let's celebrate as in October 1917." (Urmantsev)

"These aphorists are completely unbridled! Back and forth. They make up stuff. Here is have them fashions went on aphorisms Pro alienation what something! A disgrace! There is no alienation. Stop fooling around!"
"Who says? Excuse me, who are you?"
"Glasses on, can't you see? Wipe your eyes! Don't you recognize it? It's us, the Siamese twins!"

In a brothel graduates of the faculty of philosophy met a brunette who struck them with her philosophy of life, borrowed from the website of aphorisms: "I do not consider myself righteous,because my steps do not belong to another..."At the last words, with her vulgarly painted eyes, she pointed at the dark-skinned pimp. (Urmantsev)

"How dark it is here. No ghosts, no zombies."
"We're all here."

Who's in this circle of hell? Those who abused self-medication. Why can't anyone be seen? Gone on sick list.

"Look, Holmes, what are they doing on aphorism.ru This one lays out aphorisms. And the other likes to do and questioning demotivators. You will not believe, for free! Oh, the Russians!" "You are a naive man, Dr. Watson. Professor Moriarty has specially created a website of aphorisms for his insidious accomplices to feed themselves!"(Mrs. Hudson hears Watson faint on the carpet.) (Based on comments for 23 October 2019)

Two dwarfs stand on a human heart. One dwarf with his harsh opinion suddenly took and put out the cigarette of the interlocutor. He was indignant and said: "At the heart of his opinion, the cattle, the carcass is not my cigarette!"(Based on the aphorism on the site aphorism.ru for 01.08.2019)

"Who's not an aphorist? I'm not an aphorist? Now I will answer my abuser! I will answer, as befits the author of network aphorisms. What do we have on this occasion said the actress Ranevskaya? And which of the quotes of Ilf and Petrov is better suited for the answer? No, here it is necessary to quote a Comedy with Leonid Kuravlev! I'll remind them all of the title of the 1977 movie!"

"Dystrophics! Why aren't you eating milk porridge again?"
"Fear."
"What?"
"Last week, three of us were drowned to death in the milk porridge."

"Where are you going?"
"I went to launder grain money."
"No! Stop it! How dare you! Stop it! You can't! You're wrong!"
"What's all the fuss about? I'm just going to launder the grain as usual. We scribblers, we always have."
"Yes, but you're going to launder it with your money. Is there a way? Remember how we were taught to clean grain on the websites of the surrogate aphorisms?"
"Oh, look, you're absolutely right. That's right. But where can I get other people's money to wash all the grain?"
"That's your problem. And I went on to write network aphorisms."

"Ivanov, what are you doing?"
"I sit and wait for decency."
"Petrov, what are you doing?"
"I sit and wait for justice."
"How? You're the only ones who don't know that judges are raised selfish in a society of money!"
"What?"
"Really? Just selfish?"
"Are all judges raised in the society of money?"
"Yes, writing about it on the website of the network of aphorisms."

"Hi. Who are you?"
"I'm known as the author of a network of aphorisms from a network resource network aphoristic."
"Ah, I see. As an expert, tell me where you can steal quotes for my thesis with impunity?" (Urmantsev)

To increase manhood, it is enough to take a magnifying glass.(AnnaIsAronova)

Once Nicholas Nonrepeatable and Galina Goebells-Chubaysovoy invited to speak in front of youth audience.
To go from the station Dyatlovo had to speak to the sponsors.
86 Nicholas Nonrepeatable repeated his phrase about mediocrity.
88 times Galina Goebells-Chubaysovoy repeated his phrase about woodpeckers.
We've arrived. Came out in front of the silent youth.
Many times Nicholas Nonrepeatable repeated:
"Repetition is the lot of mediocrity."
Many times Galina Goebells-Chubaysovoy repeated:
"peck the same thing about the same thing is only capable of woodpecker..."
The youth does not respond.
The speakers looked at each other: "and the audience are stupid and do not understand the depth of our great aphorisms. Or Yurkin read too much."
"Don't repeat yourself!", — in surprise shouted Nicholas Nonrepeatable.
"Don't repeat yourself", — with Moldavanskii enthusiasm shouted Galina Goebells-Chubaysovoy.
And again I had to call the police.

One day Nicholas passed the railway station Mediocre. And it seemed to him that outside of the car the bird, or sits, or flies:
"Woodpecker! Woodpecker! Woodpecker!"
The passengers were alarmed.
So Nicholas, in his usual delicate manner, hastened to reassure colleagues in the shop aphorisms:

"I'm not repeating myself, you bastards! You freaks, I'm not repeating myself!! Freaks from freaks, not repeat myself I!!!"

"Whatchu doin'?
"I envy those who have been cured of envy by the new medicine".