Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
the vendor responds: "we don't have any broccoli, but we have some tomatoes"
the old lady responds: "yes..yes..I'd like some broccoli please. Thank you!"
the vendor responds: "I'm sorry lady, I told you we don't carry broccoli, we have some carrots if you'd like"
lady: "Oh thank you..I'd love some broccoli!"
the vendor, clearly irritated, responds: "Lady, can you say no, as in nose.."
lady:"oh yes, sure..nose..."
vendor:"can you say red, as in reddit.."
lady:"ok..reddit"
vendor:"can you say fuck.. as in broccoli.."
lady:"wait..but there's no fuck in broccoli..."
vendor:"THERE'S NO FUCKIN BROCCOLI YOU DUMB BITCH!!!"
jokes a lot better when you tell it in person :)
the old lady responds: "yes..yes..I'd like some broccoli please. Thank you!"
the vendor responds: "I'm sorry lady, I told you we don't carry broccoli, we have some carrots if you'd like"
lady: "Oh thank you..I'd love some broccoli!"
the vendor, clearly irritated, responds: "Lady, can you say no, as in nose.."
lady:"oh yes, sure..nose..."
vendor:"can you say red, as in reddit.."
lady:"ok..reddit"
vendor:"can you say fuck.. as in broccoli.."
lady:"wait..but there's no fuck in broccoli..."
vendor:"THERE'S NO FUCKIN BROCCOLI YOU DUMB BITCH!!!"
jokes a lot better when you tell it in person :)
Latest Jokes
"Tell me, are all these changes for the better or for the worse?"
"What changes?"
"What changes?"
"Dr Watson, Scotland Yard refuses to consider your controversial issue."
"But isn't my question controversial?"
"We didn't say that. Moriarty's fate is a moot point, of course, but without a head."
(The body of a veteran of the war in Afghanistan can be heard falling.)
"But isn't my question controversial?"
"We didn't say that. Moriarty's fate is a moot point, of course, but without a head."
(The body of a veteran of the war in Afghanistan can be heard falling.)
"Hello. Three years ago, You put a cat to sleep for our family..."
"How many Pets do You have left?"
"There aren't any now."
"Then why did you call in the middle of the night?"
"You see, I have such a strong insomnia..."
"How many Pets do You have left?"
"There aren't any now."
"Then why did you call in the middle of the night?"
"You see, I have such a strong insomnia..."
"Good morning, graphomaniac!"
"Oh, thank you for reading my morning weekend macabre aphorism!"
"Oh, thank you for reading my morning weekend macabre aphorism!"
"Stop! Why do you drive a KAMAZ truck to the cemetery at night?"
"Let go, uncle policeman! We need to prepare warm breakfasts for the dead! And then they all have gastritis after the Board..."
"Good deed! Pass through, but in the sector where they lie until the 1950s. And remember, baby, what they say on aphorism.ru" you can't feed the dead with money..."! Gee-Gee!"
"Let go, uncle policeman! We need to prepare warm breakfasts for the dead! And then they all have gastritis after the Board..."
"Good deed! Pass through, but in the sector where they lie until the 1950s. And remember, baby, what they say on aphorism.ru" you can't feed the dead with money..."! Gee-Gee!"
"Do you know that after the death of academician Dmitry Likhachev, there are aphorists of the level of Dmitry Sergeevich?"
"Yes, we know, we were also on the site on July 24, 2018."
"That's what I mean!"
"Yes, we know, we were also on the site on July 24, 2018."
"That's what I mean!"
"Are you really FireMaster Beatty?"
"Holy shit! Br! R!"
"And say something like FireMaster Beatty."
"I congratulate our prolific author A. Yurkin, who for the first time managed to finally connect the topic of the phrase with the picture being placed."
"Wow! And repeat, please!"
"Removed the entry for 04.01.2020. Delete for 04.01.2020. This plagiarism is not detected."
"Wow!"
"Holy shit! Br! R!"
"And say something like FireMaster Beatty."
"I congratulate our prolific author A. Yurkin, who for the first time managed to finally connect the topic of the phrase with the picture being placed."
"Wow! And repeat, please!"
"Removed the entry for 04.01.2020. Delete for 04.01.2020. This plagiarism is not detected."
"Wow!"
"The Trouble is, my grandson, came in and to our website."
"What's the trouble, grandfather?"
"Lack of content."
"Grandpa, this is digital vandalism!"
"Don't cry, granddaughter, maybe we can manage."
"What's the trouble, grandfather?"
"Lack of content."
"Grandpa, this is digital vandalism!"
"Don't cry, granddaughter, maybe we can manage."
"Tell me, are you a real plagiarist?"
"Holy shit! What can't be seen?"
"Say something plagiaristic."
"Holy shit! On the site aphorism.ru this Yurkin again found plagiarism with a citation index of 220! How long can you tolerate this Yurkin? He can ruin the holiday for us plagiarists. So we need to make another demotivator against Yurkin!"
"Wow!"
"Holy shit! What can't be seen?"
"Say something plagiaristic."
"Holy shit! On the site aphorism.ru this Yurkin again found plagiarism with a citation index of 220! How long can you tolerate this Yurkin? He can ruin the holiday for us plagiarists. So we need to make another demotivator against Yurkin!"
"Wow!"
"Hello! This site aphorism.ru?"
"Yes."
"Good thing we got through to you. Send a carload of one-day calendars North to us. The advance payment guarantee."
"But listen. We are a site of aphorisms. We don't sell calendars."
"How is that? Yesterday our buyer was on your site. And with my own eyes I saw the product line: "one-Day calendar". Don't fool around. Place an order.
"Yes."
"Good thing we got through to you. Send a carload of one-day calendars North to us. The advance payment guarantee."
"But listen. We are a site of aphorisms. We don't sell calendars."
"How is that? Yesterday our buyer was on your site. And with my own eyes I saw the product line: "one-Day calendar". Don't fool around. Place an order.
"The defendant, the judge, and the jury are against you. And yet, what do you say in the last word?"
"The victim was an Amateur in black PR. This self-taught black PR Pro trial jury said that..."
"Acquitted of all charges!"
"The victim was an Amateur in black PR. This self-taught black PR Pro trial jury said that..."
"Acquitted of all charges!"
"Look, if you meet him on the streets of Moscow, don't kill him."
"When they die a natural death in bed, hell treats them differently. For all eternity."
"When they die a natural death in bed, hell treats them differently. For all eternity."
"The accused, your last word."
"I plead guilty to one count. The victim was a mangy dog, not worthy of the death of a mangy dog."
"Wah! Acquitted!"
"I plead guilty to one count. The victim was a mangy dog, not worthy of the death of a mangy dog."
"Wah! Acquitted!"
Philosophical anecdote. The twentieth century was either the century of Martin Heidegger and Jurgen Habermas or the era of Michel Foucault and Jurgen Habermas.
How can you solve the problem of censor Hyper-activity of a single representative of Cheburnet on the progressive site of aphorisms?
A fantastic option: the aliens arrive and cope with a network censor, and a schemer.
Realistic option: 90-year-old German philosopher Jurgen Habermas arrives to restore order.
A fantastic option: the aliens arrive and cope with a network censor, and a schemer.
Realistic option: 90-year-old German philosopher Jurgen Habermas arrives to restore order.
Dialogue between surgeon and anesthesiologist in the corridors of the research Institute of traumatology and orthopedics named After R. R. Vreden:
"Colleague, do you like Mona Lisa?"
"What knee? Right? Or left?"
"Colleague, do you like Mona Lisa?"
"What knee? Right? Or left?"
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