Jokes Collection
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Latest Jokes
A penguin is driving through Arizona in the middle of summer when smoke starts to emanate from the hood of his car. He pulls off the highway into a small town and luckily finds a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin it'll take him an hour to figure out what's wrong with his car and that if he's hungry there's a supermarket across the street.
The penguin leaves his car with the mechanic and heads over to the grocery store. Browsing the aisles, he spots a cooler filled with various ice cream treats. Grabbing an ice cream sandwich and paying for it at the register, he starts to unwrap it and eat it on his way back to the mechanic. It being the summer, the ice cream quickly starts to melt and gets all over the penguin's face and body.
As the penguin walks up to the mechanic's shop, the mechanic is just walking out of the bay when he spots the penguin. He says to the penguin, "I hate to tell you, but it looks like you blew a seal..." to which the penguin replies in shock, "It was ice cream, I swear!"
The penguin leaves his car with the mechanic and heads over to the grocery store. Browsing the aisles, he spots a cooler filled with various ice cream treats. Grabbing an ice cream sandwich and paying for it at the register, he starts to unwrap it and eat it on his way back to the mechanic. It being the summer, the ice cream quickly starts to melt and gets all over the penguin's face and body.
As the penguin walks up to the mechanic's shop, the mechanic is just walking out of the bay when he spots the penguin. He says to the penguin, "I hate to tell you, but it looks like you blew a seal..." to which the penguin replies in shock, "It was ice cream, I swear!"
To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.
I am trying to find the routine this came from and would appreciate any help- if of course that is allowed.
"just because something is on the menu does not mean you have to order it. if you see a t-bone on the menu at ihop and you don't have health insurance, just turn the page."
"just because something is on the menu does not mean you have to order it. if you see a t-bone on the menu at ihop and you don't have health insurance, just turn the page."
- The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
- Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
- The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
- My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
- The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
- Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
- My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while tea-bagging a retarded girl.
- The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
- Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diarrhea of a cancer patient.
- The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
- Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
- Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
- Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
- The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
- Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
- Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
- The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
- Neighborhoods I've been chased out of due to Megan?s Law.
- The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo-doo on a stick.
- Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
- Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
- Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
- Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
- Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
- Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
- People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
- Black churches I bombed in the south.
- 20 people I hope die of leukemia.
- The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
- The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
- Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
- Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
- American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
- My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
- The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
- Alzheimer's patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
- The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
- Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
- 25 autistics I think are faking it.
- Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
- The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
- Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
- My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
- Girls I've fingered in their sleep.
- 10 things I've done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
- Sexual fantasies I've had revolving around pig feces.
- Under aged girls I've had erection difficulties with.
- Girlfriends who've caught me 69ing with their fathers.
- Parasites I've caught nesting in my pubic hair.
- The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
- The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I've fallen into face first.
- Relatives I've gotten erections with while slow dancing.
- Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
- The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
- My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
- The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
- Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
- My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while tea-bagging a retarded girl.
- The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
- Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diarrhea of a cancer patient.
- The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
- Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
- Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
- Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
- The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
- Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
- Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
- The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
- Neighborhoods I've been chased out of due to Megan?s Law.
- The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo-doo on a stick.
- Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
- Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
- Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
- Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
- Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
- Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
- People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
- Black churches I bombed in the south.
- 20 people I hope die of leukemia.
- The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
- The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
- Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
- Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
- American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
- My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
- The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
- Alzheimer's patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
- The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
- Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
- 25 autistics I think are faking it.
- Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
- The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
- Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
- My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
- Girls I've fingered in their sleep.
- 10 things I've done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
- Sexual fantasies I've had revolving around pig feces.
- Under aged girls I've had erection difficulties with.
- Girlfriends who've caught me 69ing with their fathers.
- Parasites I've caught nesting in my pubic hair.
- The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
- The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I've fallen into face first.
- Relatives I've gotten erections with while slow dancing.
It's cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match.
The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team.
Tommy, spell dog for me please.
Easy sir, D-O-G.
Very good Tommy, off you go. Martin, spell cat for me please.
Simple, sir. C-A-T.
Very good Martin, off you go, enjoy the game.
Thank you sir!
Ahmed I would like you to spell racial discrimination.
The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team.
Tommy, spell dog for me please.
Easy sir, D-O-G.
Very good Tommy, off you go. Martin, spell cat for me please.
Simple, sir. C-A-T.
Very good Martin, off you go, enjoy the game.
Thank you sir!
Ahmed I would like you to spell racial discrimination.
The first student says "Obviously he is a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints." The second student responds, "No no no, he has to be an electrical engineer, just think about all of the nerve impulses..." The third student considers these and offers his opinion, "Actually he is a civil engineer, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline straight through a recreational area?"
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
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