Jokes Collection

He insisted it wasn't a riposte.

She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.
"Penny," the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. "Who created the universe?"
When she didn't stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.
"God Almighty!" shouted Penny, and the teacher said, "Very good."
A while later the teacher asked "Penny, who is our savior?" But again Penny didn't stir from her slumber.
Jimmy poked her again with his pencil. "JESUS Christ!" exclaimed Penny.
"Very well done," said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.
Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?" and again, Jimmy jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Penny jumped up and shouted, "I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!"

At you're local music store!

I was on my way home cruising along when out of someones lawn a cat ran right infront of me.

I couldn't do anything about it, ofcourse there was a cop behind me at the same time.

He saw the whole thing happen so i stopped to check on the cat.
He flips his lights on and comes over to me.

cop: sir, i saw what happened and I'm gonna need you to take this animal with you, you can't leave it in the road.

Me: seriously? How do you expect me to do that?

The cop notices a box on the side of the road and kinda shoves the cat in it with his foot.

Cop: or you can go knock on the doors of these houses and ask if it's their cat, I'll go with you.

I really didn't want to take this thing home so i obliged.
Knocked on the first door and the guy told me it was the old lady on the corners cat.

With a heavy heart i knock on her door, she answers and says: oh yeah thats my mittens, i knew it was bound to happen.

So i felt horrible and gave her 20 bucks for the cat.

On my way back to my car i noticed the cop arresting the old lady!

Why you ask?

Selling pussy.

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you immune to falling!"

Derek laughs before blatantly calling him an idiot. In spite to prove his own point, the man buys the drink and quickly climbs up the tall building. He proceeds to jump off, yet slows down to a safe landing at the base of the tower. He runs back into the bar to see Derek staring in astonishment. "That's impossible! I need to try it for myself!"

Derek proceeds to order the drink and then races up to the tower. With a quick breath, he jumps off. As quick as he jumped, he landed with a SPLAT against the hard concrete.

The bartender looks over at the mess, then back at the man.

"You know Superman, you're a real dickhead when you're drunk".

Trapped in a man's body.

Oh, it's over your head.

A Roman receives a text message and looks at it confused. "Why does it end with twenty?" he thinks to himself.

It completely ruined our visit to Auschwitz

They're always coming in a little behind.

To put up a parking lot

I would tell you a pizza joke but that would be too cheesy. Funny no?

Cause Allies don't like axis powers

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."

So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up

"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."

So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.

"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

You need to start from the bottom and work your way up

...and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

Guess

When she was grabbed roughly from behind and dragged into the woods, then raped. As the man who had done it was standing up and zipping his pants, he looked at her and said "Now, when you get back to your convent, what are you going to tell the other nuns?"

 

She looked back up at him and replied "That I was dragged into the woods and raped twice, if you're not tired."

It likes to stick to itself.

I accidentally ran it at full speed. I guess I'll have to wait about 10 years to get it back.