Jokes Collection

why was my wife screaming your name last night?

It was fucking in tents.

The recipe says that I should put thyme exactly 10 seconds after turning the stove on.

I guess the recipe needed great thyming.

You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."

...as they are out in the woods looking for game to shoot, Mack has a moment and clutches his chest. He is obviously having some sort of cardiac arrest and he falls down. Billy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. The operator answers and says "what's your emergency?"

Billy is freaking out. He says "It's my brother. He's fallen down and he's unresponsive. I think he's dead."

"Okay, calm down" says the operator. "First, let's make sure he is dead."

Billy says "Okay"...

There are a few seconds of silence followed by the sound of two gunshots.

Billy comes back on the phone and says to the operator:

"What are you wearing?"

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

because she was shocked when I presented you too her and told her here's are new son

I remember hearing this around a few times, are there any other situational coincidence jokes like this?

The first cow looks to the second cow and says "Bro, I'm really scared of getting mad cow disease." The second one looked at him and said "Well I'm not, cuz I'm a helicopter"

Last night my drunk friend could turn a Glass of Water into Puke.

Skin & Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

To blow of a little steam

Walnuts


What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on a chin?

A dick in your mouth

But I turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.

Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.'

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!'

'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest.

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang!

'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.'

'Ting-a-ling!'

Edit: grammer

A vibrator.

....wet pussy. I didn't realize the risk involved! The cat scratched the shit out of me and eventually escaped from its bath.

in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, and altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed it in her rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'Jesus Christ!' yelled Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary slowly fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Marh a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The teacher fainted.

And looks at the prices of the bread. The bread is very cheap, and he tells the baker, "Man, at that price this is a stale."