Jokes Collection
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"Defence," he replied. "Let me tell you about defence. We're going to make defence great again. America's defence, we'll make it great. Really great. We're going to make it great by not even having defence! We're going to have, it's important that you remember how great this is going to be, we're going to build a wall!"
What they reveal is interesting, but what they conceal is vital - and they both usually have a c**t in their center.
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."
In reality, it's just a bunch of lollipop sticks with "Yes" written on the side of them.
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says "I want a million bucks,"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
The guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says "I want a million bucks,"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
The guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
And he slapped down a dollar and a quarter. The bartender went to fill him a glass of beer and passed it over. The man took it and downed half of it.
When he set it down, he asked the bartender, "If a green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, and the blue man lives the blue house, then who lives in the white house?"
The bartender already knew the correct answer, but decided to play along.
Facing him, he tells him, "The white man."
The man downs the rest of his beer, and laughs heartily, yelling, "No my friend! The President lives in the White House!"
The bartender was not impressed, but decided to pick on his lame riddle anyway, and he told him, "Sure, but in a year or so, I have fifty-fifty chance of you *and* me being right."
The man stopped laughing, confused about what he was talking about.
The bartender continued, "Got any political alliances?" and picked up the quarter.
"Heads for a white man, and tails for Hillary Clinton."
When he set it down, he asked the bartender, "If a green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, and the blue man lives the blue house, then who lives in the white house?"
The bartender already knew the correct answer, but decided to play along.
Facing him, he tells him, "The white man."
The man downs the rest of his beer, and laughs heartily, yelling, "No my friend! The President lives in the White House!"
The bartender was not impressed, but decided to pick on his lame riddle anyway, and he told him, "Sure, but in a year or so, I have fifty-fifty chance of you *and* me being right."
The man stopped laughing, confused about what he was talking about.
The bartender continued, "Got any political alliances?" and picked up the quarter.
"Heads for a white man, and tails for Hillary Clinton."
A customer approaches the customer service desk and looks at the representative's name-badge.
The customer points to the badge and says, "How do you say?"
The representative tilts his head and says, "...Pat."
The customer nods and says, "Pat. You say name for me?"
The customer pulls a paper out of his pocket.
Pat looks at the name and exclaims, "Jesus!"
"Jesus, thanks Pat."
The customer points to the badge and says, "How do you say?"
The representative tilts his head and says, "...Pat."
The customer nods and says, "Pat. You say name for me?"
The customer pulls a paper out of his pocket.
Pat looks at the name and exclaims, "Jesus!"
"Jesus, thanks Pat."
A well-dressed man runs into a bar and says to the bartender in a hurried voice, "Quick! I need 7 shots of your best, top shelf whiskey as fast as you can pour it!" The bartender grabs some 12-year-old bourbon and pours it into 7 shot glasses. The man downs all of the shots, one after the other.
The bartender says, "Holy shit! I've never seen anybody down shots like that. Why did you drink them so fast?" The man stares him in the eye with a somber, saddened look and says, "You'd drink like that too, if you had what I've got." The bartender says sympathetically, "Sorry to hear it. What do you have?"
The man says, "3 dollars and fifty cents."
The bartender says, "Holy shit! I've never seen anybody down shots like that. Why did you drink them so fast?" The man stares him in the eye with a somber, saddened look and says, "You'd drink like that too, if you had what I've got." The bartender says sympathetically, "Sorry to hear it. What do you have?"
The man says, "3 dollars and fifty cents."
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