Jokes Collection

Back in Soviet Russia, a man walks into a shop and asks, "You wouldn't happen to have fish, would you?"

The shop assistant replies, "You've got it wrong - ours is a butcher's shop: we wouldn't happen to have meat. You're looking for the fish shop across the road. There they wouldn't happen to have fish!"

I got The Colonel's $20 Fill Up. It has 8 pieces of Original Recipe chicken, large cole slaw, 4 biscuits and 2 large mashed potatoes and gravy. It left my family and I satisfied.

That they baked you in?
Because you're hotter than a freshly baked Pizza!

It's how I let off a little steam.

to get to the other side

she wanted one of the newly weened puppies they had on display. the clerk, knowing that puppies so young can be difficult, began to explain how to feed, train, and care for a puppy, the woman was confused by everything he said and seemed to be taking in none of the information being presented to her.

And so after about 3 fruitless hours of instruction the clerk finally conceded that you can't teach an old trick new dogs

A man walks into a bar, and says give me 5 shots of whiskey please.

The bartender sets 5 shots on the table and asks, what are we celebrating ?

The man picks up the first glass and quickly drinks the first shot, my first blow job he replies.

The bartender says congratulations let me give u a glass of our finest scotch on the house.

The man picks up the 2nd and 3rd glass, one in each hand and quickly drinks them as well.

The bartender sets a glass of 30 year old scotch at the end of the line of shots.

The man says thanks , but I doubt that will even get the taste out of my mouth.

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't
find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the
club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

• 2nd Ranger: Assaults
the snake's home and
secures it for use by
friendly snakes.

• MI: analyzes all
available intelligence
and national asset
input on the reptilian
situation; reports
sighting of Godzilla to
National Command
Authority.

• JAG: Advises the
snake on the rules of
engagement and the
law of war as it
pertains to the snake
and its defensive
posture.

• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a
National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a
Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks
up snake on property book. Has company
commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green,
One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger,
but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2
Respirator especially made for snakes,
remembers the Chemical Corps Motto,
"UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas),
and conducts three experiments on it that have
been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of
1999.

• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several
grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed
attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the
SEAL then retreats to safety.

• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills
several hundred civilians with a massive TOT
with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (cooks,
mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.


• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a
Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with
missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first
encounter, then feverishly works to save the
snake's life.

• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake,
builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then
trains it to kill other snakes.


Edit-formatting

The steaks were really high.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said "Don't put that shit on me‚ my wife will think I've been in a whore house."

The other man then turned to his barber and said " you can put it on me ‚ my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like."

Edit-words

When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.

I capitalize on'em.

and for the ceremony, he has to memorize a Latin text to recite before becoming a knight. Never having learned Latin, he spent a few weeks memorizing and working hard at it to make the ceremony as perfect as possible. The day finally comes, and when it's his time to recite, he chokes. He completely forgets all the Latin he had learned in the past few weeks, and instead, to avoid an awkward silence, starts telling a Yiddish story he would often hear his mother tell him when he was a young child. The queen, obviously quite confused, turns to one of her attendants and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

EDIT: Grammar, plus minor points

He said it was liquor-ish

Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth;

He didn't do it for pleasure,

Excitement or leisure...

He did it for the cheese underneath.

All credits go to Larry Wilmore. ;)

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

You may think it's "Arrr", but nay, his first love be the "C".

My girlfriend is so good at Hide and seek that i haven't found her yet!