Jokes Collection

He only got up to get a drink.

They always drop the ball

Because he was Abel to.

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Three men have been selected to become an FBI agent. They are standing in a hallway with three different interrogation rooms.

FBI AGENT - You three have been selected for your special set of skills. There is only one test you must pass. In the individual rooms are your wives and a gun on the table; you must kill them.

The first man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 1." Roughly 10 minutes pass by, and the man leaves the room sobbing.

MAN 1 - I just couldn't do it! Nothing in this world could make me kill my wife she means too much to me.

FBI AGENT - That's understandable, unfortunately you do not have what it takes.

The second man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 2." Around 15 to 20 minutes pass and the man leaves the room in shambles.

MAN 2 - I tried, I put the gun next to her head, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I've wanted to be in the FBI since high school but nothing could ever separate me and my wife.

FBI AGENT - I completely understand, this is a great task to prove your worth. Unfortunately, you do not have what it takes.

The third man enters "INTERROGATION ROOM 3." Several minutes pass and there are gun shots followed by a large crashing noise accompanied with male and female screaming.The man exits the room with blood splattered on him.

FBI AGENT - What in the hell happened in there?!

MAN 3 - Well, the gun was loaded with fucking blanks so I had to kill the bitch with the chair!

The blonde sure doesn't know.

So a womand and her daughter go to the police station to report a case about her missing husband. Ask her about his name,occupation, and how long he was missing.
After that's over they asked her to discribe his appearance. She says"He is tall ,slim, muscular, dark skinned, rich,and handsome".
Her daughter pokes her and says"Hey, Mom, that does'nt sound like daddy at all".
The mother says"Shut up, maybe they'll get us a better one"

It has to change for itself.

What's 12 inches long, stiff, pink, and makes a woman scream like nothing else in this world?



...Cot death.



Okay, let's hear yours. Most atrocious, despicable gags you've got. I'm not talking about 'dead baby jokes' here, I mean the real grisly, nasty stuff.

My Chemical Romance

Now I'm pooped

It's an Indy-pendant.

I mean he's just been hangin' around for the last 2000 years.

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

*Thwack* *Thwack*
Both are sent to the hospital for concussions

Arrrrrr Kelly

So I figured if anything I'd just give it back.

There's a limit to the number of cocks that can fit into the coop.

Doctor

Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen