Jokes Collection

Because you have to planet.

Big, bushy, and sitting on my face.

Yo mama so fat, that when I told her this, she ran there with a spoon.

Yo mama so stupid, she got the wrong pipe.

Yo mama so nasty, she still loved it.

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

concentration camp

Because he always drops the bass.

Okay, NFL fans, I can prove that the draft, and the entire league (except one team!!!) is rigged. Here's the evidence: Do you really believe that the Rams and Eagles would give up that much for unknown quarterbacks if the draft was real? I sure don't. They did it because the NFL promised them victories and records if they made this draft drama happen. They did it because the NFL will make sure these two young men are successes, unless they want them to be busts. If they want that, they'll set the poor guys up like they did with Johnny Football, RG3 (though this one had way more drama!!!!), David Carr, Ryan Leaf, Jamarcus Russell, and so many more! The only one who tried to go off script was Tim Tebow, and he got blacklisted for it!!! There is also no way that Laremy Tunsil would post a video of himself smoking pot... unless the NFL told him to for more ratings on draft day. He seems like a smart young guy, he wouldn't do it if the league was real. Too bad, the NFL will probably have him arrested for "drug possession" in a year or two. And now the best evidence, I will predict some more drama today (though if the NFL sees this, they'll change the script to make me seem like the crazy one, LOL). Maybe Myles Jack will have some troubles aside from his injuries? Or something like that. So anyways, the only real winner yesterday was the only real team left, the New England Patriots. The NFL and Goodell are trying to stomp out any REAL integrity by bringing them down with (fake) penalties. But it's okay, because the great New England Patriots can see through the haze to win the Superbowl. Goodell wants to take the best QB ever away? Fine, we have a future Hall of Fame QB waiting to take over. You want to give the (cheater) Broncos the Super Bowl for Payton 'HGH' Manning's birthday? Fine, at least we won where it counts. And you can bet your a** that there will be HUNDREDS of "questionable" calls against the great New England Patriots this year, but we'll overcome and win the entire thing again!

I cry when I chop an onion.

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

There once was a lady from Madrass

Who had a magnificent ass

Not pretty and pink as you may think

But had long ears and ate grass.


Credit: Playboy, circa 1970s

the holocuaster

It was one star

eh'ds everywhere

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St. Peter. "Margaret Thatcher," she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. "I am sorry," he says, "you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs.

A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, "Hello Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after all - she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces to reduce capacity."

This duck hated her baby brother so much that she decided to build a time machine to prevent their parents from conceiving him. The time machine worked, but without a baby brother, the duck had no incentive to build a time machine so her baby brother would still exist. With a baby brother, she'd be motivated though to invent the time machine and prevent the brother's existence.

It's a pair o' ducks.

Hot flashbacks

Years ago, I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my then girlfriend and the category was "Entertainment". Just as I asked her, her question - What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit of the 1980's? A masked gunman burst in & fired, hitting her in the chest before fleeing.

I rushed to her side, & held her in my arms, and as she lay there dying, with her last breath she whispered to me, "I will always love you"...

I said, "No, it was I Wanna Dance with Somebody".

Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped.

A father calls his two little boys, Johnny and Jimmy, down for breakfast. He goes up to Johnny and says "Johnny, what would you like for breakfast?" Johnny says, "I want some goddamn cornflakes." The father beats his ass and sends him to his room. He goes up to Jimmy and says, "Jimmy, what do you want for breakfast?" Jimmy says, "I don't know, but I don't want no fucking cornflakes!"

Because they have good taste.