Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Latest Jokes
One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
The drinks arrive and a fly is found floating in each drink. The Englishman sends his drink back in disgust. The Scotsman tosses his drink back fly and all without a second thought. The Irishman snatches the fly out by the wings and holds it over the glass demanding "Spit it out you thieving bastard!"
He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.
A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of." The taxi driver asks: "Really? Like what?"
The guy says: "Well, for instance, we don't have these things on the hoods of our cars." He points to the Mercedes emblem. "What are these things doing there?"
The taxi driver thinks to himself: "Ha, this guy doesn't know about hood ornaments. Maybe I'll try and mess with him a little bit." So he says to the guy: "Well, you see, in Germany we have a very good health system. Which in turn helps our population to grow very old. But that can be a problem as the government runs out of money for all the retirement pensions. So the government outfitted some of our cars with these cross hairs and we are asked to take out some really old senior citizens should the opportunity arise!"
The guy is dumbfounded. "Unbelievable", he says. "I have never heard of anything quite like that."
A few minutes pass and suddenly, the taxi driver notices an old lady on the sidewalk in front of them. He thinks to himself: "Okay, this is excellent. I'll get to scare the hell out of this guy by driving up to that lady and steer clear of her at the very last second."
So, he hits the gas and yells to the guy: "Hold on to your hat, in front of us is a prime target. I'll just get her and we will be back on our way, shortly." The guy sits in anticipation and braces himself for impact.
The taxi driver, at the last second, steers clear of the lady and heads back to the road as the driver hears a loud thump. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees the old lady on the ground, blood spilling everywhere and the guy in the back goes: "Well, you sure need to work on your aiming skills. If I hadn't opened my door, we would have missed her, for sure."
A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of." The taxi driver asks: "Really? Like what?"
The guy says: "Well, for instance, we don't have these things on the hoods of our cars." He points to the Mercedes emblem. "What are these things doing there?"
The taxi driver thinks to himself: "Ha, this guy doesn't know about hood ornaments. Maybe I'll try and mess with him a little bit." So he says to the guy: "Well, you see, in Germany we have a very good health system. Which in turn helps our population to grow very old. But that can be a problem as the government runs out of money for all the retirement pensions. So the government outfitted some of our cars with these cross hairs and we are asked to take out some really old senior citizens should the opportunity arise!"
The guy is dumbfounded. "Unbelievable", he says. "I have never heard of anything quite like that."
A few minutes pass and suddenly, the taxi driver notices an old lady on the sidewalk in front of them. He thinks to himself: "Okay, this is excellent. I'll get to scare the hell out of this guy by driving up to that lady and steer clear of her at the very last second."
So, he hits the gas and yells to the guy: "Hold on to your hat, in front of us is a prime target. I'll just get her and we will be back on our way, shortly." The guy sits in anticipation and braces himself for impact.
The taxi driver, at the last second, steers clear of the lady and heads back to the road as the driver hears a loud thump. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees the old lady on the ground, blood spilling everywhere and the guy in the back goes: "Well, you sure need to work on your aiming skills. If I hadn't opened my door, we would have missed her, for sure."
"Oh man - it's easy! You won't have any problems. Tell me - do you like music?"
"Yeah - I love music".
"Monday is music day. They bring in the greatest musicians to play their hits and talk to all the inmates - it's wonderful!"
"Let me ask you - do you like sports?"
"Sports? Love em!"
"Tuesday is sports day. They bring in all the greats to throw the ball around and talk to all the inmates about their greatest victories!"
"Now let me ask you - you like food?"
"Of course - who doesn't."
"Wednesday is food day. They bring in the greatest chefs from the country and they cook for all the inmates."
"Now let me ask you - are you gay?"
"No."
"Well you're not going to like Thursday very much."
"Yeah - I love music".
"Monday is music day. They bring in the greatest musicians to play their hits and talk to all the inmates - it's wonderful!"
"Let me ask you - do you like sports?"
"Sports? Love em!"
"Tuesday is sports day. They bring in all the greats to throw the ball around and talk to all the inmates about their greatest victories!"
"Now let me ask you - you like food?"
"Of course - who doesn't."
"Wednesday is food day. They bring in the greatest chefs from the country and they cook for all the inmates."
"Now let me ask you - are you gay?"
"No."
"Well you're not going to like Thursday very much."
A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is.
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".
A young man goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young man says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the fellow asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young man says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the fellow asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
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