Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Latest Jokes
The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all."
So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all."
So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
Apparently they met on the first day of Passover, so Bernie greeted his holiness with a bit of Yiddish.
> *Good yontif, pontiff!*
> *Good yontif, pontiff!*
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island and they decide to try and swim to shore.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way to shore, gets tired, and swims back to the island.
The redhead swims 1/3 of the way to shore, gets tired and swims back to the island.
The blonde swims 1/2 way to shore, gets tired, gets tired and swims back to the island.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way to shore, gets tired, and swims back to the island.
The redhead swims 1/3 of the way to shore, gets tired and swims back to the island.
The blonde swims 1/2 way to shore, gets tired, gets tired and swims back to the island.
The man removes his shirt and the woman notices bright red spots
she asks "what happened there?"
Man replies "ah, these are lover spots."
"Do you mean liver spots?" She asked
"No, they're LOVER spots"
She shrugs it off and he continues to undress. He takes his pants off and she notices many scars on his knees
She asks "what are those?"
"Oh these scars are from when I was younger and got the kneesles"
Confused she said "I think you mean the measles"
"No no, they're from kneesles"
He continues to take off his underwear and before he could explain she quickly says "oh I know this one! Smallcox right?!"
she asks "what happened there?"
Man replies "ah, these are lover spots."
"Do you mean liver spots?" She asked
"No, they're LOVER spots"
She shrugs it off and he continues to undress. He takes his pants off and she notices many scars on his knees
She asks "what are those?"
"Oh these scars are from when I was younger and got the kneesles"
Confused she said "I think you mean the measles"
"No no, they're from kneesles"
He continues to take off his underwear and before he could explain she quickly says "oh I know this one! Smallcox right?!"
There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever *I* go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.
"So, what *do* you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever *I* go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.
"So, what *do* you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."
He is getting out of his chair when he falls and stumbles, he stands up and falls down again. He keeps on stumbling but knows that his wife must not know, he stumbles and falls all the way home until he falls into bed. When he wakes up, he sees his wife looking at him, and saying, "You've been out drinking again." The man is shocked and asks, "How did you know?" The wife replies, "The bartender told me that you left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
You wouldn't even have a participation ribbon
As in, you have not participated. You are virgin
As in, you have not participated. You are virgin
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