Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Latest Jokes
A doctor is rushing to work and speeding over a bridge. A police officer sees him, and promptly pulls him over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I don't have time for this, I'm a doctor and needed desperately by a patient."
"A doctor, eh? What do you do that's so important you need to do 90 on a bridge?"
"I stretch assholes."
"You stretch assholes? What do you mean?"
"Well, I work in a finger, then two, then a hand, and just keep stretching until they're about 6 feet."
"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"
"Put them on a bridge with a radar gun."
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I don't have time for this, I'm a doctor and needed desperately by a patient."
"A doctor, eh? What do you do that's so important you need to do 90 on a bridge?"
"I stretch assholes."
"You stretch assholes? What do you mean?"
"Well, I work in a finger, then two, then a hand, and just keep stretching until they're about 6 feet."
"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"
"Put them on a bridge with a radar gun."
...but I realized that it would have been beneath me and uncivilized. So I jerked off in the changing room instead.
(As told by my 3 yr old daughter)
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Banana split so ice scream!!
*queue crazy fake laughter to make her giggle*
Then 10 seconds later...
Knock, Knock!! (same joke repeated x 20)
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Banana split so ice scream!!
*queue crazy fake laughter to make her giggle*
Then 10 seconds later...
Knock, Knock!! (same joke repeated x 20)
They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *poof* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *poof* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks "why are you crying?". She responds "I wish my friends were back".
(Warning: this is a math-y joke)
"There will be the coming of days. You believers will be integrated, you non-believers will be differentiated." He starts pointing at each passenger saying, "I integrate you! I differentiate you!" Everyone was scared but one man just sat there coolly with a grin on his face.
"Aren't you afraid?," said the crazy man. The other man chuckled and said, "Sir, I am not afraid. I am e^x."
"There will be the coming of days. You believers will be integrated, you non-believers will be differentiated." He starts pointing at each passenger saying, "I integrate you! I differentiate you!" Everyone was scared but one man just sat there coolly with a grin on his face.
"Aren't you afraid?," said the crazy man. The other man chuckled and said, "Sir, I am not afraid. I am e^x."
One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I shat in the Holy Water"
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I shat in the Holy Water"
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