Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
So he could hide in the cherry tree...
What's the most load noise in the jungle?
... A giraffe eating cherries!
What's the most load noise in the jungle?
... A giraffe eating cherries!
Latest Jokes
Wenn Fliegen hinter Fliegen fliegen fliegen Fliegen Fliegen nach.
Roughly translate to: when flys are flying behind flys, then they?re following flys.
OR
Wenn Robben hinter Arjen Robben robben robben Robben Robben nach.
Roughly translate to: when flys are flying behind flys, then they?re following flys.
OR
Wenn Robben hinter Arjen Robben robben robben Robben Robben nach.
... so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I was in class the other day and the teacher was talking about books and movies about books. Someone in the class said,
"Well, I think that movies are better because you get more feelings than reading a book!"
The teacher agreed with her and started to write it on the board.
Then I blurted out
"Well, I would beg to differ! I think that books are quite solid enough."
"Well, I think that movies are better because you get more feelings than reading a book!"
The teacher agreed with her and started to write it on the board.
Then I blurted out
"Well, I would beg to differ! I think that books are quite solid enough."
W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"
M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"
W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"
M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"
W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"
...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
He says, "Hey bartender, can I get a drink over here?" The bartender says, "Alright, but don't go trying to start anything in here"
A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin their interrogation.
"We know you are American, spy Pig. Admit it!"
"How can you say that? I speak Russian like a Muscovite, I am Russian."
"You are lying, Spy Pig. We know you are a Yankee dog. Admit it"
The Agent pulls a copy of Pushkin from his jacket pocket and begins to read aloud. Within minutes the guards are weeping with joy at how beautifully the poetry is read.
"You see, only a Russian can read Pushkin like this", said the agent.
"You lie, Spy Pig, I know you are an American, confess".
The agent calls one the of the guards to play Kalinka on his balalaika. The agent leaps on to the table a dances a Russian folk dance whilst singing. The guards clap and cheer having seldom seen such a perfect performance.
"You see no one can sing the most loved song in Russia like this if you are not a Russian."
"You lie Yankee snail pig. I know you are an American".
The agent calls of 6 bottles of Siberian vodka and over the next hour drinks them all finally smashing his glass on the table.
"No one drinks vodka like a Russian and I am a Russian"
Impressed the FSS agent claps his hands slowly.
"You are good Yankee Pig poo, very good, but I know you are not Russian and now you die".
The CIA agent slumps in his seat knowing he is defeated.
"Tell me one thing, how did you know? I am highly trained can speak, read Pushkin, sing and dance and drink like a Russian. My cover was perfect. How did you know I am an American?"
"It was easy Yankee man, we have no Blacks in Russia"
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin their interrogation.
"We know you are American, spy Pig. Admit it!"
"How can you say that? I speak Russian like a Muscovite, I am Russian."
"You are lying, Spy Pig. We know you are a Yankee dog. Admit it"
The Agent pulls a copy of Pushkin from his jacket pocket and begins to read aloud. Within minutes the guards are weeping with joy at how beautifully the poetry is read.
"You see, only a Russian can read Pushkin like this", said the agent.
"You lie, Spy Pig, I know you are an American, confess".
The agent calls one the of the guards to play Kalinka on his balalaika. The agent leaps on to the table a dances a Russian folk dance whilst singing. The guards clap and cheer having seldom seen such a perfect performance.
"You see no one can sing the most loved song in Russia like this if you are not a Russian."
"You lie Yankee snail pig. I know you are an American".
The agent calls of 6 bottles of Siberian vodka and over the next hour drinks them all finally smashing his glass on the table.
"No one drinks vodka like a Russian and I am a Russian"
Impressed the FSS agent claps his hands slowly.
"You are good Yankee Pig poo, very good, but I know you are not Russian and now you die".
The CIA agent slumps in his seat knowing he is defeated.
"Tell me one thing, how did you know? I am highly trained can speak, read Pushkin, sing and dance and drink like a Russian. My cover was perfect. How did you know I am an American?"
"It was easy Yankee man, we have no Blacks in Russia"
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It's SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
1. Good Girls Are Not Good Looking.
2. Good Looking Girls Are Not Good Girls.
3. Good Looking And Good Girls Are Not Single.
4. Good Looking, Good And Single Girls Have Strong Brothers And Last Most Hurting.
5. Good Looking, Good, Single Girls Without Brother Will Treat Them As Their Brother.
2. Good Looking Girls Are Not Good Girls.
3. Good Looking And Good Girls Are Not Single.
4. Good Looking, Good And Single Girls Have Strong Brothers And Last Most Hurting.
5. Good Looking, Good, Single Girls Without Brother Will Treat Them As Their Brother.
How do you tell a Canadian to get lost?
Tell him to puck off
How do you tell a chicken to get lost?
Tell it to cluck off
How do you tell a rugby player to get lost? Tell him to ruck off
How do you tell a prostitute to get lost?
Tell her to suck off
Tell him to puck off
How do you tell a chicken to get lost?
Tell it to cluck off
How do you tell a rugby player to get lost? Tell him to ruck off
How do you tell a prostitute to get lost?
Tell her to suck off
Problem is, it took her 30 minutes to count to 10
(Made this up last night while waiting 30 minutes for 10 pills)
(Made this up last night while waiting 30 minutes for 10 pills)
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