Jokes Collection

Sun. Because the sun goes down every night.

A felonious monk

Once you go smack you'll never go crack.

"Serifs up, dude!"

And then it hit me.

Obviously more than 10, cause it's still pretty dark in my basement.

It's nice and all, but they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Boobs would be pointless.

Translate it if you don't know Latin.

A waist of paper.

--

^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

Cuatro sinko

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

But I think they're full of crap.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

My daughter showed me a game called Agar.io the other day I was sucked right in.

Three men had a very late night drinking.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

Chunks is my dog."

Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"

Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....an then the Husband started crying...
Inspector: Don not worry sir,... we will find your car.

Black and ground up in the freezer.