Jokes Collection

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn't move; he just stared.

"Don't you want to sit on the ?bunny's lap?" I asked
"No No!" He's Shouted, " there is a MAN in his Mouth"

to see if they have overcome their lustful desires. Each one is naked with a bell tied to his penis. If it rings, he is out of the priesthood. First, a beautiful woman is presented before them.. nothing. Second, the woman strips naked.. still nothing.

One priest loses his bell and it rolls in front of the group. As soon as he bends over to pick it up,....

*****RING!***** *****RING!*****
*****RING!***** *****RING!*****
*****RING!***** *****RING!*****
*****RING!***** *****RING!*****
*****RING!***** *****RING!*****

Xero.

Squirtle

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

But it is a solution

For fingering a minor.

My friend was going to buy my Camaro and came by to my place to buy the car. He asked, "can I pay with check?" And I said, "can I have sex on a pile of check, John?!" So, no sale, he went to get cash.

how did i escape from Iraq?
Iran!!
Syrisly
Yeman!
The Struggle Isreal.

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

Hey, are you a vital organ? Because I don't think I can live without you inside of me.

...and is sent to the hospital with a severe head injury.

Really!? is a herd of buffaloes called a beefle?

Nah, I was just joking...

"Wow, the boy over there is ugly."
-
"That's my Son!"
-
"Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father"
-
**"I am his mother!"**

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."
The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide."
The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!"
The third one calmly replies, "I can't knit sleeves for shit."

The SwasTikka

Steve's Job.

No hard feelings.

Johnny: 50 pairs of pants?

Jimmy: No, A centipede.

Jhonny: What? why?

Jimmy: Because I squished it

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes, chrome headlights, leather bags and a phenomenal leather saddle.

The salesman immediately spots Frank as an easy 'sale' and starts talking about the advantages of the motorcycle and paints a wonderful picture for him, 'Imagine yourself driving around the mountains, nobody in sight, feeling free'.

Frank is blown away and buys the bike. The salesman gives him a jar of Vaseline and says, whenever it starts to rain, you should put the Vaseline on the saddle, otherwise the leather will dry out and will start to crackle.

Frank decides he wants to take his new bike for a spin and starts driving into the mountains. After he while he finds out he's out of gas, but nowhere in sight there's a petrol station and to make things even worse, he's hungry as hell.

Fortunately he spots a cute little cabin and decides to push his bike to the cabin and ask for food and gas.

Having arrived at the cabin, Frank finds a friendly family and they invite him for dinner. However the father tells him about two important rules, guests always do the dishes, nobody can talk during dinner, when someone talks they have to do the dishes instead.

The mother of the family presents a wonderful meal, but Frank being worried about doing the dishes takes a quick look into the kitchen and finds dirty dishes up to the ceiling! "They haven't done dishes in weeks", he thinks, "I have to find a way to get them to talks, so I don't have to do it..."

So he decides to drop his glass of water, the family looks, but no one reacts. He decides to take it up a notch and throws his entire plate with food on the ground, again no reaction...

This is bad, Frank thinks, and decides to just throw everything of the table. The family picks up the food and their silverware and continues to eat...

Drastic times call for drastic measures Frank thinks and spots the 18 year old daughter. He takes the daughter and starts fucking her there right on the table... The father looks upset, but doesn't speak a word...
Still sweating from doing the daughter, he decides to fuck the wife as well, he takes her in every possible position known to men, but nobody says a word...

Then Frank looks outside and sees that it starts to rain, so he gets the Vaseline out of his jacket for his saddle.

"Alright alright alright", the father screams in panic, "I'll do the dishes then".