Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''
Latest Jokes
He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'
Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'
But you fuck just one goat.
Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'
But you fuck just one goat.
He meets the IRS agent one afternoon, bringing along his attorney. The attorney is astounded by the fact that old man lives such an extravagant lifestyle but has no real steady income. The old man says he affords all his luxuries because he is such a good gambler.
"Sir, I have a hard time believing you are THAT good of a gambler that you can live so well off your winnings," says the agent.
"Well, sir, would you like a demonstration?" says the old man.
The agent agrees to gamble with the old man, so they proceed to start off with a "small" wager.
"I bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye," says the old man.
The agent is perplexed, but he can't fathom how someone could bite their own eye, so he agrees to the first wager. The old man proceeds to take out his glass eye and bite on it, winning the first bet. The agent is shocked, and he's upset that he just lost a grand to some crafty old cook.
"Double or nothing I can bite the other eye!" exclaims the old man.
Seeing as the old man isn't blind, the agent agrees: there's no way he could pull the same trick, and he has to recover his losses somehow. The old man then proceeds to take out his dentures and bite his eye with them, shocking the tax man. The agent becomes distraught that he has now lost two thousand dollars right in front of this man's attorney; he starts to panic.
"Tell you what, I'll go double or nothing again," says the old man, "because I bet I can piss in that trash can across the room all the way from your desk and not let a drop hit the floor!"
Now the agent is truly confused. The old man is in his seventies, and the trash bin is at least twenty feet from his desk. The bet looks like a sure thing, and it's not like the agent has a choice since he needs to get his money back. For one last time, the agent agrees to take the old man's bet.
The old man, with great enthusiasm, climbs onto the agent's desk, whips put his dick, and just starts pissing all over the agent's papers, pens, phone, and whatever else was on his desk.
The agent is overjoyed, and he starts cheering and screaming as the old man starts laughing hysterically while zipping up his pants. However, the agent notices the man's attorney is in shock and starting to cry, so he asks him what's wrong.
"You see, sir, I'm not just this man's lawyer," says the attorney, "I'm also his nephew. And before we came in here today, this old fucker bet me fifty grand that he could piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."
"Sir, I have a hard time believing you are THAT good of a gambler that you can live so well off your winnings," says the agent.
"Well, sir, would you like a demonstration?" says the old man.
The agent agrees to gamble with the old man, so they proceed to start off with a "small" wager.
"I bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye," says the old man.
The agent is perplexed, but he can't fathom how someone could bite their own eye, so he agrees to the first wager. The old man proceeds to take out his glass eye and bite on it, winning the first bet. The agent is shocked, and he's upset that he just lost a grand to some crafty old cook.
"Double or nothing I can bite the other eye!" exclaims the old man.
Seeing as the old man isn't blind, the agent agrees: there's no way he could pull the same trick, and he has to recover his losses somehow. The old man then proceeds to take out his dentures and bite his eye with them, shocking the tax man. The agent becomes distraught that he has now lost two thousand dollars right in front of this man's attorney; he starts to panic.
"Tell you what, I'll go double or nothing again," says the old man, "because I bet I can piss in that trash can across the room all the way from your desk and not let a drop hit the floor!"
Now the agent is truly confused. The old man is in his seventies, and the trash bin is at least twenty feet from his desk. The bet looks like a sure thing, and it's not like the agent has a choice since he needs to get his money back. For one last time, the agent agrees to take the old man's bet.
The old man, with great enthusiasm, climbs onto the agent's desk, whips put his dick, and just starts pissing all over the agent's papers, pens, phone, and whatever else was on his desk.
The agent is overjoyed, and he starts cheering and screaming as the old man starts laughing hysterically while zipping up his pants. However, the agent notices the man's attorney is in shock and starting to cry, so he asks him what's wrong.
"You see, sir, I'm not just this man's lawyer," says the attorney, "I'm also his nephew. And before we came in here today, this old fucker bet me fifty grand that he could piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."
An insurance agent called ?our medical office. One of our ?doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form ?for a patient, but, the agent said, the ?patient had altered it. The giveaway? ?The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
One day, there was a reasonably attractive woman on board an airliner that just so happened to be crashing.
As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can't help her need to feel like a woman one last time.
"Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one last time!?!?!?", she hollered.
A man a few rows behind her hastily got out of his seat as much as he could to take his shirt off and blurted;
"HERE, IRON THIS!!!"
As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can't help her need to feel like a woman one last time.
"Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one last time!?!?!?", she hollered.
A man a few rows behind her hastily got out of his seat as much as he could to take his shirt off and blurted;
"HERE, IRON THIS!!!"
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
The teacher then says, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red." Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
EDIT: I accidentally put the wrong flair. Sorry about that :(
EDIT: I accidentally put the wrong flair. Sorry about that :(
For example, yesterday I dropped my keys into a toilet and made an integral out of wire.
If sex between three people is a threesome.
And sex between two people is a twosome.
Then...I guess I know why everybody calls me handsome.
And sex between two people is a twosome.
Then...I guess I know why everybody calls me handsome.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
The first order 1 beer, the second 2 beers, the third 3, and so on...
Without drinking anything, they gave the bartender 1/12 of a beer and left.
Without drinking anything, they gave the bartender 1/12 of a beer and left.
How to Use Our Jokes
Share with Friends
Brighten someone's day by sharing our jokes with friends and family via social media or email.
Public Speaking
Break the ice at presentations or gatherings with a well-timed joke from our collection.
Content Creation
Find inspiration for your blogs, social media posts, or newsletters with our diverse joke library.