Jokes Collection
Enjoy our collection of over 100,000 jokes. Find humor for every occasion and share laughs with friends and family.
Featured Joke
Two Tough Questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional
beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one...
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional
beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one...
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Latest Jokes
- Why are your dishes broken?
- We swore!
- Why is the sofa broken?
- We reconciled ...
- We swore!
- Why is the sofa broken?
- We reconciled ...
In the Russian Federal Space Agency for many years lamented that they have missiles flying horrible, but now they realized that they have an unpredictable flight path.
Please do not be rude to me, because then I have to be rude to you, and I can do it much better than you.
Russia, aspiring to the future - this is when not all have the connected to the gas in the villages, but are already ready to turn off the Internet.
Lecture in the Academy of Medicine. Lecturer:
- In women in the vagina live lacto bacteria and bifidobacteria ...
Replica from the rear rows:
- Look like it's not a cunt, it's a miracle yogurt!
- In women in the vagina live lacto bacteria and bifidobacteria ...
Replica from the rear rows:
- Look like it's not a cunt, it's a miracle yogurt!
- And Masha gave me sex for her birthday!
- Phew, what it is not original - gives everyone the same thing!
- Phew, what it is not original - gives everyone the same thing!
At a briefing in the White House:
- What will the Pentagon answer to the new Russian weapons ?!
- The Pentagon believes that cartoon characters should fight animated weapons. Therefore, "Chip and Dale rush to the rescue" will be a worthy response.
- What will the Pentagon answer to the new Russian weapons ?!
- The Pentagon believes that cartoon characters should fight animated weapons. Therefore, "Chip and Dale rush to the rescue" will be a worthy response.
In a modern fairy tale, the opposite is true: a naked people applauds the king in a suit from Brioni.
The newest defense missiles of Russia can hit New York and Washington anywhere in the world.
Trump decided to give out weapons to the teachers.
Librarians will be given pistols with silencers.
Librarians will be given pistols with silencers.
The plan of Russians for today (and not only):
1. Woke up in the morning.
2. Looked up your name on the new 'US sanctions list'.
3. If you did not find it.
4. Go to work make money for compensation to those who got on this list.
1. Woke up in the morning.
2. Looked up your name on the new 'US sanctions list'.
3. If you did not find it.
4. Go to work make money for compensation to those who got on this list.
Poroshenko denied reports of a vacation on Maldives for half a million dollars under a false name. And reported that in the Maldives rested some Valtsman.
Guys, you know, after the wedding, the women's period will be 4 times longer than before.
- Sophia, do not you dare go to these elections for yourself!
- Yashenka, I'll go for Putin!
- Those who are for Putin will not go to the polls. Putin and without them will be chosen. But those who are against, will go to the poll and these people will be under police surveillance.
- Yashenka, I'll go for Putin!
- Those who are for Putin will not go to the polls. Putin and without them will be chosen. But those who are against, will go to the poll and these people will be under police surveillance.
- Microsoft offers new concept of a smart home ...
- Yeah, in which you need to close all the windows, go out and enter to have enough memory to turn on the TV?
- Yeah, in which you need to close all the windows, go out and enter to have enough memory to turn on the TV?
- Sema, are you going to the polls on March 18?
- Yes, yes!
- But why? After all, nothing depends on you!
- Of course it does not depend. But, just in case, I will support the winner!
- Yes, yes!
- But why? After all, nothing depends on you!
- Of course it does not depend. But, just in case, I will support the winner!
- Does your bank give loans on parole?
- No problem...
- What if I do not return it?
- You will be ashamed when you stand before the Almighty ...
- When it will be! ...
- For example, if you do not return the fifth, the sixth person will appear ...
- No problem...
- What if I do not return it?
- You will be ashamed when you stand before the Almighty ...
- When it will be! ...
- For example, if you do not return the fifth, the sixth person will appear ...
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