Jokes Collection

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On

the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know

you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly
agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You
get on top baby it might be
better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!"

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and
his Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about
you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a
party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

A
biologist was interested in studying how
far bullfrogs can jump. He
brought a bullfrog into his laboratory,
set it down, and commanded, "Jump,
frog, jump!"
The frog jumped
across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in
his journal, "Frog
with four legs jumped eight feet."

Then
he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog,

jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After
measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal,
"Frog
with two legs jumped three feet."

Next, the biologist cut off the
frog's back legs. Once more, he
shouted, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist
repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs -
lost its
hearing."

How do you eat a DNA
spaghetti?
With a
replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and
asked his
mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the
slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought
you to us."
"Oh," said
the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought
us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy
persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by
now
starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy
handed in his paper to the teacher who read
with confusion the
opening sentence: "This report has been very
difficult to write due to
the fact that there hasn't been a natural
childbirth in my family
for three generations."

Two biologists are in the field following the

tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear

crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up
the
nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after
them. The
first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking
boots and pulls
a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.
The second biologist
gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the
world are you doing?"
He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close
to us, we'll jump down
and make a run for it."

The second
guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a

full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun
the bear, I only have to
outrun you!"

My dog is a nuisance.
He chases everyone on
a bicycle.
What can I do?
Take his bike away.

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle
that
went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.

"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle

your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym

teacher.
"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."

"I'm freewheeling, sir."

What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
One with no
spooks in it.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his

bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the
man
had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the
guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a
look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the
bags, and proving they
contained nothing but sand, reloaded the
bags, put them on his shoulders
and continued across the border.


Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded
to
see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This
went on
every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the
sand bags
failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard
happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us
crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were
smuggling something across
the border. I won't say a word - but what is
it you were smu
ggling?" "Bicycles!"

Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's
bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?

Run!

What do you call a python with a great bedside

manner?
A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed
buglars.

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it
shuts
its eyes.

Fred: What's
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!

I'm not ugly. I could
marry anyone I
pleased!
But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.