Jokes Collection

How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts

A person went into the
office kitchen one
morning and found a new blonde girl painting the
walls. She was
wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a
little strange, he asked her why she was wearing
them rather than
old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the
tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

A blonde was
walking down the road with a
healthy looking pig under her arm. As she
passed the bus stop,
someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied, "I won
her in a raffle!"

The assistant asked the blonde if she would

like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she
said, "I could never eat twelve!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the
clubs
and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in

Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual

dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her

chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person,
because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination
against, not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of
humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed
and begins to apologize, when the
blonde yells, "You stay out of
this, mister! I'm talking to that
little idiot on your knee!"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde
replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother
had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't
you go home for the
day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the
day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains,
"No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and
allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need
anything, just let me
know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde
crying hysterically. He rushes
out to her, and asks, "Are you going to
be okay? Is there anything I
can do to help?"

"No," re
plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she
said
that HER mom died too!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit

Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow,
these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is
big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he
decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer
and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas."


After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to
the
right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't
flush!"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport,
parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done
for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing
eye dog and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring
for me and out I go with
the dog."

"But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense of
smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from
the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your
legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked. He
quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."

A blind man walks into a store
with his
seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins
swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks,
"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking

around."

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It
scares the heck out of the dog.

One day two blind men started
fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife."

Both men ran away.

First boy: Are you having a party for your
birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy:
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells.

Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.


'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No

teeth!'

Home - A -
Age Jokes

"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.

"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"



"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly

new."



Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."

"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.



"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."



Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.

Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.

Fred: Well, you can have mine.



How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?



An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'

`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'

The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'

A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

A man asked his wife, "What would you most

like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten
again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.

She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being

ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!"

Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped
them, they'd break

David received a parrot for his birthday. This

parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and

quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto

David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."

David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the
chicken did?"