Jokes Collection
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Featured Joke
People keep telling me this, it makes me sick:
"You don't know how to write a limerick!"
But I disagree.
It's just- they can't see,
That I do know how to write them.
"You don't know how to write a limerick!"
But I disagree.
It's just- they can't see,
That I do know how to write them.
Latest Jokes
Mandy: Our teacher went on a
special banana
diet.
Andy: Did she lose weight?
Mandy: No, but she sure could
climb trees well!
special banana
diet.
Andy: Did she lose weight?
Mandy: No, but she sure could
climb trees well!
Tom: What did the banana say to
the elephant?
Nick: I don't know.
Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
the elephant?
Nick: I don't know.
Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
A few days after Christmas, a
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE
in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
Taxiing
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to
the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"
the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's
eating
you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
eating
you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
Why didn't the two worms go
into Noah's ark
in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs !
into Noah's ark
in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What did one
maggot say to the other who was
stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
maggot say to the other who was
stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once
a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant
gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with
its
tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.
"If I
told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant
gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with
its
tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.
"If I
told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
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