Jokes Collection

A mother was reading a book about animals to

her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child:

"Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother:

"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed

little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice

replied, "Bud."

Q: Where did the kittens go on their class

trip? - A: To a mewseum.

Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?
A:
When you are a mouse!

Little Tim
was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing,
Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking
up.
"And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was
concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"


Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because

he's inside your cat."

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man
playing chess with
his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe
what I'm seeing, a cat
that plays chess, what a clever animal!!"
The man replied "Nah lady
this cats not clever at all I'm beating it
6 games to 1"

For all of you with teenagers or who have had

teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have
a lot
in common with cats:

- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when you call them by
name.

- No matter what
you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them
hand and foot.

- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no
teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.

- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.

- No
cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

- Cats and teenagers
can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving,
barely breathing.

- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o
n as if they did.

- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.

- Cats and teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.

- Cats that are free to roam outside
sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a
good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When
they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all
concerned.

A man is driving along in the Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill it up, will
you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right
out of petrol." So the man
considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?" And the attendant
responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant "Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?" The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front."


The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres

!"

One day there was a family driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother "Why dont these people
have electricity?" Very
confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking
about?" The girl quickly
replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!"

As a
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!"

A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading

notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck

stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly

thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a
man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

When Abraham Liebowitz
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.

One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever

lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar

bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".

All of the kids called out their
guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.


Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."


"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an

excellent, but
still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice
said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the

greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!"

There was this man who was in a
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got

really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even

better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he

wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice

anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!'

Several
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."

"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."

"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in
management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're

going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

These two construction workers always noticed

that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just

head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.

When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I

almost got caught by the boss."

What does a cannibal eat with cheese?

Pickled organs.

When do cannibals cook you?
On
Fried-days.

Why was the cannibal expelled
from school?

Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that
ate his
uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.