Jokes Collection
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A guy
walked into a bar
and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But
when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the
bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing,
ordered a beer for everyone,
even the bartender, and the bartender beat
him up since the guy
couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the
guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you,
bartender!"
The
bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when
you're drunk!"
walked into a bar
and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But
when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the
bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing,
ordered a beer for everyone,
even the bartender, and the bartender beat
him up since the guy
couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the
guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you,
bartender!"
The
bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when
you're drunk!"
After the Great Britain Beer
Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him
one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy
from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is
a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I
figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him
one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy
from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is
a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I
figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
An armless man walked into a
bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.
The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
street."
bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.
The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
street."
A
hotdog walks into a
bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't
serve food here".
hotdog walks into a
bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't
serve food here".
A
cowboy walks in to a
bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank
his beer he was
about to leave then he noticed that his horse was
gone.He shouted," if
i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna
have to do what
i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his
horse was
back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked
out
the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
cowboy walks in to a
bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank
his beer he was
about to leave then he noticed that his horse was
gone.He shouted," if
i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna
have to do what
i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his
horse was
back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked
out
the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
There was this little guy sitting
inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a
half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next
to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come
on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just
can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that.
Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late
for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and
then fired me.
"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was
stolen.
The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to
return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I
found that I
left my whole wallet in the cab.
"I got
home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left
home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a
half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next
to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come
on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just
can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that.
Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late
for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and
then fired me.
"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was
stolen.
The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to
return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I
found that I
left my whole wallet in the cab.
"I got
home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left
home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
A Congressman was once asked
about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
you mean the demon drink
that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and
inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the
elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers
to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I
will not compromise."
about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
you mean the demon drink
that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and
inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the
elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers
to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I
will not compromise."
A man is in a bar having a
drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks
up
the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This
time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you
live?''
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts
him in the
back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the
guy's house, the
man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3
times before
getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell
and the guy's wife
comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello,
I've brought your husband
home.''
The wife looks at the man
and asks, ''Where's his wheel
chair?''
drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks
up
the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This
time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you
live?''
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts
him in the
back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the
guy's house, the
man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3
times before
getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell
and the guy's wife
comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello,
I've brought your husband
home.''
The wife looks at the man
and asks, ''Where's his wheel
chair?''
I got a letter from my sister.
She just had a
baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.
So I don't
know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
She just had a
baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.
So I don't
know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys
in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When
they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's
parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say
about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before
going
to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby
was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior
and not say one word about his ears or
I am really going to spank
you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at
all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny
leaned over in the crib and
touched the baby's hand He looked at
it's mother and said "Oh What a
Beautiful little baby". The mother
said "Thank you very much, Little
Johnny."
He then
said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little
feet.
Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say
that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his
doctor said he has 20/20
vision.
Little Johnny said "well,
its a darn good thing, cause he sure
couldn't wear glasses!!!
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When
they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's
parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say
about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before
going
to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby
was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior
and not say one word about his ears or
I am really going to spank
you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at
all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny
leaned over in the crib and
touched the baby's hand He looked at
it's mother and said "Oh What a
Beautiful little baby". The mother
said "Thank you very much, Little
Johnny."
He then
said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little
feet.
Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say
that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his
doctor said he has 20/20
vision.
Little Johnny said "well,
its a darn good thing, cause he sure
couldn't wear glasses!!!
A family of ducks were
walking down the road
when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther
down the road a
family of skunks were walking the other way when the
same
18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally
met
each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the
road.
Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have
webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said
the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will
you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your
white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"
walking down the road
when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther
down the road a
family of skunks were walking the other way when the
same
18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally
met
each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the
road.
Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have
webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said
the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will
you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your
white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"
Q: What's pink and red and can't turn
round
in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
round
in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
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