Jokes Collection

Contrary to what people say,

you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so
calm, you can't move.

Remember, an alcoholic & a
drunk are not
the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend
meetings.

Two ladies are in a bar and

the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots".


So the second lady says "I don't know?"

So the first lady
says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones
that are left are
handicap!"

A man walks into a bar with
a piece of
asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a
drink for me and
one for the road?"

A group of loud and rowdy
drunks were making a racket in the
street. It was the wee small hours
of the morning and the lady of the
house flung open a window and
shouted at them to keep quiet.

"Is this where Frank lives?" one of
the drunks asked.

"Yes, it is," the woman replied.

"Well
then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the
rest
of us can go home?"

McPherson walked
into a
bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the

olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and

all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse
me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what
McPherson
had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the
Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of
olives."

A guy walks into a bar and

orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.

As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how

bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his

expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I
SPIT IN
THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes
back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note
card next to
his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

The husband was not home at

his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later
and
later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front
door, and
as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her
husband, drunk as a
skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you
realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get
excited. I'm late because I bought something
for the house."


Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to

meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"


His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

A man drinking
at the
bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The
bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too

much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I
have been
drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had
too much ...so how
the hell do you know?"

A herd of buffalo can move
only as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole because the
general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way
the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.


In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A man walks
into a bar
and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this
over and
over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and

after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have

a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then

i'll go home."

A man comes in to the room
and
says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,

"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"


The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off.

"I was married 3 times"

explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll

never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms
and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a
shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat
the mushrooms!"

A drunk is refused a drink
in a bar, so he
undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that
cat
coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see
four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he
responds,
"You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the
alcohol away,
"That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

A man walks into a bar on
the top floor of a
skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After
taking a drink he sees
the guy next to him go over to the window
and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out
the window!"

The bartender does nothing.

So the man
takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in,
orders
another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.

"Jesus! He
just jumped again!"

The bartender ignores the man.

So
the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders

another drink.

"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a
floatie drink, if you
drink it in a certain amount of time, you can
float."

So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it
from the
bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window
and...SPLAT! Right
on the sidewalk!

The Bartender then say
s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk
when you're
drunk."

A cop is staking out a bar
for drunk
drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the
bar, trip on
the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the

key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and
drives
off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting
for him, pulls him over,
and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood
alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says,
'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the
designated
decoy.'

A Texan walks
into a pub
in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He
says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500

American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness

back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same
gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is
your bet still good?", asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says
yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If
ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you
were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to
the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".

Sign seen in a bar:


"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

A man in a bar
sees a
friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he
comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"

"My mother
died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's
tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My
father died, leaving me
$50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in
two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt
died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in
three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the
friend, "nothing!"

A guy comes
walking into
a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black
and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is
taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and
asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the
man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than
your dog!"
"Not
a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy...
you take your dog and let him stand at one
end of the bar. Then go
and stand at the other end of the room and call
your dog. I'll bet
you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my
turtle will be there."


So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The
bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of

three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and
throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll
be there before your dog!"