Jokes Collection

A man drinks a shot of
whiskey every
night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him
to quit; she
gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the
other with
whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had
the glasses, she brings his
bait box. She says "I want you to see
this." She puts a worm in the
water it, and it swims
around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then

says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have
to
say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I
drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

The drunk was

floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into

a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A
mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes,
and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for
protection."

"But,"
the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."


"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of
the
box, "So is the mongoose."

It seems a gentleman had too

much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a

state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a
straight
line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out
a ticket
and had just given it to the driver before an accident in
the opposite
lane took his attention to more important
matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming
back to
him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the
morning by a
knock at the door, created by two more state
troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he
was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the

influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did
you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied
that he drove his
car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the t
roopers enquired. The man answered that
it was in the
garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure,"

and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state
troopers car.

A man walks into a bar and
has a couple of beers. Once
he is donem the bartender tells him he
owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.


"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."


The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that
the
bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.


The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same
stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid,
I'll take your word for
it."

Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells
him how to get free drinks.


The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny
thing
happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries
that is going to get
punched right in the nose."

"Don't
bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A regular at Bob's Bar

came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that

appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said
Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for
both of them."

A man had been out in the

back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't

smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for
a few
beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the
town's football team. He was
bragging about his girlfriend and how she
was lucky to have him for a
boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after
drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say,
"Buddy, if she went
out with me, she'd never go out with you ever
again."

To
which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you,

she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

One night, this guy come
into a
bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for
another. After
a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into
a fight," explained the guy "and now she
isn't talking to me for a
whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked
the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

A brain walks into a bar and

says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks
at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the
brain.

"You're already out of your head."

The bartender asks the guy
sitting at the bar, "What'll you
have?" The guy answers, "A scotch,
please." The bartender hands him
the drink, and says "That'll be
five dollars," to which the guy
replies, "What are you talking
about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby
and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You
know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes
a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of
remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the
guy, "Okay, you beat
me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you
in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the
heck are you doing in here? I can't believe
you've got the audacity to
come back!"

The guy says, "What
are you talking about? I've never been in this
place in my l
ife!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is

uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you.
Make it a scotch."

A motorway walks
into a
pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink.
He
just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway
sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the
bar and ducks
down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him
and says,
"What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got
six
lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of

tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do.
He's a
cyclepath."

A golf club walks into a
local bar and asks
the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman
refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be
driving later," replies the bartender.

A man walks into a pub

and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog

bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge
chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

Three vampires walk into a

bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the
first
vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I
vould like
some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire
and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like
some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what
he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like some
plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order

correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Yesterday, scientists in the
United States
revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve
pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't
drive.

John Smith lived in

Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the

ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and

found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a

nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he
got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet
from
the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for

dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the
boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck

hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait?
We were
just pulling in!"

A seal walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal,
"What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but
Canadian Club."

John & Jessica were on their
way
home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the
police. The
officer told John that he was stopped because his tail
light was burned
out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't
realize it was
out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then
Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two
days
ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's
license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."


And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize
that it
had expired and would take care of it first thing in the
morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent
you a letter
telling you that your license had expired."


Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him

in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice,
"Jessica,
will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over
toward Jessica and asked. "Does your
husband always talk to you
like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

A good samaritan was walking

home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.

Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep".
"Would
you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the

second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want
to
face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he
was the
one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he
came to and
shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However,
when he went
back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked
that drunk "Do you
live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you
upstairs?"
"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the
first drunk. Then
went back downstairs.

Where, to his
surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to
him. But b
efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman
and
cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing
nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and
throwing me down
the elevator shaft!"

A man walks into a bar and
says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them
both now or one at a time?" The guy
says," Oh, I want them both
now. One's for me and one's for this
little guy here," and he pulls
a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He
can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender
pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks
it all up.


"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can
he
walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the
bar and says, "Hey,
Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to
the end of the bar and
picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down
and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"


The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w
e
were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's
powers!"

A man who smelled like a
distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long
did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it
father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."