Jokes Collection

One day a drunk walked into
a bar and
ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured
the rest on the
bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the
drunk by the collar, pulled him
close to his face, and asked,

"Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so
very sorry sir. Please
forgive me. I can't help it. It's an
illness I can't get rid of. I am
so ashamed of it. How can I make it up
to you?"
The bartender answered,
"Haven't you seen anyone
about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe
I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get
help," and the
drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came
back to the same bar, ordered
another gin and tonic, drank half of
it, and poured the rest of it on
the bartender.
The bartender
shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until
you got
help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

Twenty-four hours in a
day... twenty-four
beers in a case... coincidence?

It was Halloween and three

vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will
you
have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of
blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please,"
said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two

bloods and a blood light?"

Q: What did
the
bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

A: Ok
you 2, dont start anything

The local bar was so sure
that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.


Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.)
but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man
came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like
to try the bet"


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a

lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind

to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartend
er paid the $1000, and asked the
little man "what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?"


The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

A man walks into a Kansas
bar
with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs

allowed in the bar." "Oh please?," begs the customer.

You see,
you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big
fan of
the Royals." "You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a

BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender.
"No
animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't

like baseball!"

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes
wild. He jumps up on the
bar and hops around in circles on his hind
legs. Then he does the same
on his front legs! The bartender is
astounded. "That is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever
thought a DOG could like
baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets
that excited when the Royals get
a hit, what does he do when they
get a home run?"

"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I
've only had him for five
years."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few

minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white
horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt,
and said,
"I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger
and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is
just about dead outside!!" The Lone
Ranger and Tonto rushed outside
and, sure enough, Silver was about dead
from heat exhaustion. The
Lone Ranger got him some water and made him
drink it, and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see
if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel
better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles
around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon
e Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.

A few
minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who
owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands
again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him
this time?"

The
cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to

know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

"Didja hear the news?"

asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife

left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Monahan stumbled
into a
saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall
is
a penguin?"

"About two and a half feet."

"Thank God!"
cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

The local District Judge had
given the defendant a lecture on the evils
of drink. But in view of
the fact that this was the first time the man
had been drunk and
incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten
shillings costs.


"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice

sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I
can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"


"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Barty and Dunny met in a pub
and discussed the illness
of a friend named Hogan.

"Poor
Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

"Shure,
an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten
so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but
by my soul,
Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put
together."

A drunken man was wondering around the
parking lot of
a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the
roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the
guy. "What the heck are
you doing?" he asks the drunk.


"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."

"So how does
feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.

"Well," the drunk
replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren
on the roof!!"

Two cartons of yogurt walk

into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to
them,
"We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the
yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured

individuals."

Two men
walked into a
bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

I walked into a bar the
other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who
looked just like me.

A man had
been drinking
at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his

girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it
was so
cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw

the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The

bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the
drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on
his
girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy
and his
girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar
laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the
fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks
he's me!"

A fellow decides to
take
off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes

at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After

leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes
off his shoes and
starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the
stairs though, he
falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That
wouldn't
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in
his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his

back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was
hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he

checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was
cut up
terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under
the
circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morn
ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he
was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when
his
wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last
night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"

"I worked late," he
said, "and I stopped off for a couple of
beers."

"A couple of
beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
plastered last
night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last
night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when
I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the
mirror."

A small balding man storms

into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest
whiskey
you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The
bartender,
noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a double
of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and
says, "Gimme
another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says,
"Now, before I
give you this, why don't you let off a little steam
and tell me why
you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his
tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door, when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at
the bar. I thought,
"Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it
was kind of a
fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the
blonde leans
over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to
have dinner
and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening,
r
and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my

head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.
This
seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She
took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up
to her room. She
said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be
ready to go down
to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I
put my feet
up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and
someone
starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god,
it's my boyfriend. He must have lost
his wrestling match tonight,
he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet,
but I figured that was probably the first
place he would look, so I
didn't hide there. Then I looked under the
bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could
hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out
and wa
s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see

me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit
frustrated
at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy
finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Who you been with now,
you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody,
honey, now calm
down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door
off
the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy,
I'm
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw
it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there
either. Then
I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the
window?' I think,
'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the
blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to
stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I
hear
water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a

bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher
of
scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I
mean, look
at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and
shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten
me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy
starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean,
look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto
this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says,
"Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so upset."

"No,
that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender
then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally
make you
anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and
looked
down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

Every night, after dinner, a
man took off for
the local tavern. He spent the whole evening
there, and arrived home very
drunk around midnight each night.


He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the

door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and
let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his
constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry
continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was
talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was
particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then
said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently, when he comes
home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving
words, and welcome him home with a kiss?
He then might change his
ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.


That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he
arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him
at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the
door, and let
Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him
down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his
shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a
little. After a little
while, she said to him, "It's pretty late,
dear. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed, now, don't you
think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
might as
well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife
when I get home
anyway!"

A
man walks into a bar
and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets
it down. While he
is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and
steals the pint
of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man
asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the
piano
player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you
know
your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum

it, I'll play it."