Jokes Collection

Marley stopped at the town
barbershop for a
haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and
cutting, the barber
held a mirror behind Marley's head.
"How
you like it?" asked the barber. "Real fine," said the redneck.
"But
how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"

A guy goes up to this girl
in a bar and
says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I
don't like this song, but even if I did, I
wouldn't
dance with
you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I
said you
look
fat in those pants."

A Scotsman is sitting in a

bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large
black
beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. The
bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts
walking out
the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to
pay for
that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The
bartender says,
"Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes
later another man with a large black beard walks in. The
man goes
to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves
him,
the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,

"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and

the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar
and orders a shot of
whisky. He drinks the whisky then start
s walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going
to pay for that?" The Scotsman
says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is
your big black beard?" The
Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt
and says, "Secret Service!"

A Russian walks into a bar
and orders a
beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.
"One ruble!"
the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty
kopeks!" "Well,"
replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer
and fifty
kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer
gives the bartender
a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender
gives him back fifty
kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone
them at four in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and
smarter than some
really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the
world. Proceed with
caution.

WARNING: Consumption of

alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally

disappear.

WARNING: consumption of

alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may
lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a

'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next
barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when
you've
drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted
gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for

years!"

A
rather confident man
walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A
state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

"It
uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken then because I
am wearing panties!"

The
man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Old man
O'Malley had
worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just
wasn't
paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over
into the
beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job
to inform the Widow O'Malley
of her old man's death. He showed up
at the front door and rang the
bell. When she came to the door, he
said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but
your poor husband passed away at
work today when he fell into the vat
and drowned."

She wept
and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between
sobs,
she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"Knowing Brian O'Malley as
well as I did, I don't think so," said
the foreman, "He got out
three times to go to the men's room."

A Texan bought a round of

drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a

typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later
he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him
and asked,
"Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed twenty
pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he
weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The
bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty
pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

A man walks into a bar and
asks for
six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's
wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the
man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out
my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after
that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for
six shots of
vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?"
asked the
bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

Recently scientists revealed

that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove
their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of
beer
each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained

weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and

couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes
over immediately.

When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is
full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he
replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running

her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I
can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
"Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a
message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck
them gently. "Tell him that there is no
toilet paper in the ladies
room."

A guy walks
into a
tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man
playing
the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all

about?"

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
asked
the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get
your
drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one
wish."

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and

rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You
have
one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for
a million bucks. A cloud
of smoke filled the room, and then both
the genie and the guy
disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy
reappeared back in the bar with a million
ducks all around him.

The
guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want
a
million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a

twelve-inch Pianist?"