Jokes Collection

He's usually at home with the kids.

Me, Hand Solo and Princess Didn't-Get-Laid-a.

None. It's already lit fam.

A master baiter

Doctor: Can you read this?

C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

Polish: Read? I know that guy!

Damn auto correct.

I'm a grown, ass-man.

It's only 28 days.... Period.

Loki , because he is low-key.

Because they taste funny.

2, but they have to be very small.

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about taking their relationship further.

The old man said to her, however,

"I really like you and would like to see you on a regular basis, but I have one special request. You see, these days it's hard for me to jerk myself off with my arthritis, so if you are willing to give me handjobs now and then, I will shower you with all my affection."

The old lady thought for a little and soon agreed. So they found a secluded area in the park, the old man unzipped his pants, and she gave him a handjob.

Every Wednesday they would meet at the same secluded area in the park and she would give him a handjob. And in return he bought her nice gifts, was affectionate, and made her extremely happy. The relationship suited them both very well.

One Wednesday, the old lady went back to the park, but the old man was nowhere to be found. She was sad, but figured he had somewhere to be. But the next Wednesday he wasn't there either, and the week after that. She worried that something had happened to him, and she tried but could not get in touch with him. She became sad and depressed at having lost her newfound love.

One day, she went for a walk in the same park where she used to meet the old man, and as she was walking, she noticed an older couple in a secluded area of the park. As she got closer, she noticed, son of a bitch it was the old man! And some new woman was giving him a handjob! Furious, she ran up to them and confronted the old man.

"What's going on here?! I thought we had a great thing going!" she yelled to the old man.

"Well, we did have something really special, and you were very good to me. But this lady has something that you don't have."

"What? I was perfect for you! What could this woman possibly have that I don't?" she asked.

And he said, "Parkinson's."

It was like night and day.

A coffin.

...It's just not my cup of tea.

Hi Ping

The other half are lies.

The Chinese Government asked for help in curbing population growth. The Europeans, Americans and Japanese all offered the latest developments in birth control, but they were all too slow and expensive. The Russians offered to do it for free and in an instant, and won the contract. They sent a number of Russian Army officers, who gathered up a line of 100 million Chinese males.
Officers: "Ten-hut! Put down your pants!"
Without hesitation, the men drop trou.
Officers: Turn to your right!"
The Chinese do in perfect unison. One junior officer mutters, "Wish I could get just 10 Russian rookies to do a right-face like that..."
Officers: "Bend down and take your neighbour's balls in your mouth!"
Again, they obey without hesitation. Then a soldier came to one end of the line, and kicked the first Chinese in the balls. The sound of "Chomp, chomp, chomp..." receded in the distance...

A bear and a rabbit were sitting beside each other in the woods, taking a nice leisurely crap. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Hey, man. Can I ask you a personal question?" The rabbit says, "Um...sure. Go ahead." The bear says, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, not really. Never been a problem for me." The bear says, "Cool," then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face moaning, "lie to me!"

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"

The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"

The duck replies: "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender tries again " I'm really sorry, we don't have any white bread, is there anything else I can get you?"

The duck once again states: "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender is somewhat exasperated by this point, leans over the bar, looks the duck straight in the eye and says "Look, if you ask me for a slice of white bread one more time, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to this bar. So.. one more time.. what can I get you?"

The duck says: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, looking puzzled, says "erm... what? No we don't"

The Duck says "I'll have a slice of white bread please"