Jeff Foxworthy

Country music is about new love and it\'s about old love. It\'s about gettin\' drunk and gettin\' sober. It\'s about leavin\' and it\'s about comin\' home. It\'s real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We\'re not offended, \'cause we know what we\'re all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y\'all Doin\'?

If you\'re a man and you\'ve ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you\'re either gay or married.

It\'s not my dreams that get me in trouble, it\'s what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn\'t dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we\'ll both be happy.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you\'re on the road by yourself. When you\'re on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, \\'Can you believe they\'re paying us to do this? They\'re crazy.

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer.

This happened to me last week. We\'re in the process of remodeling our house; we\'ve been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, \\'Is that y\'all\'s piano?\\' I said, \\'Nah, that\'s our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here\'s your Sign!

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we\'re gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don\'t know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go \\'Hey baby? Man, it\'s hot as hell out here, ain\'t it! Look, don\'t worry about emptyin\' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I\'m gonna go take a nap now, all right?\\'

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they\'re gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

Do you know why it\'s so hard to solve a Redneck murder? \'Cause there\'s no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

We\'re all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we\'ve got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, \'Hey, we\'re all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.\' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that\'s kind of the way I\'ve always faced my comedy.

I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I\'m now officially in that genre.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and \'lose that stupid accent you got.\' And I\'m like, \'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.\'

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That\'s the guys I\'d rather go talk to. I\'d rather take my act outside the church.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I\'m very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and<br /> road construction, you may live in Canada

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado?<br />You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.