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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping...
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.