Andy Rooney

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.