Andy Rooney

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

I just sat there looking at television, sort of dumb and thought how horrible it was. I had -- the grand aspects of it did not occur to me -- I had no notion of this terrorist network that existed. I knew the were a lot of people in the world who didn't like us, but I had no idea that it was as well organized as it apparently is. That's one of the amazing facets of this terrible event: how well they did it. Incredible. The competence of these evil people.

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.

People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.

I like Valentine's Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don't dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.

The one affectation I have forced on the publisher ... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.

There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.

I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.

Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.

I never understood retirement. What is the attraction of retirement? I go down there to Florida and look around and I said, my God, who wants this? Not me.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals--although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, \'Married!\' and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, \'Things aren't as good as they used to be.\' But it's hard not to.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.

Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.\' ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, \'What are you thinking?\'. She doesn't care what you think.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.