Andy Rooney

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.

Some people who hated Americans set out to kill a lot of us and they succeeded [on 9/11]....We're trying to protect ourselves with more weapons. We have to do it, I guess, but it might be better if we figured out how to behave as a nation in a way that wouldn't make so many people in the world want to kill us.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

Not many people in this world are as lucky as I've been. ... All this time I've been paid to say what is on my mind on television. You don't get any luckier in life than that.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!