Andy Rooney

I hate to say it, but I had a great time in World War II.

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

I think a draft produces a better Army than the one we would have with all volunteers, because I think you get average Americans if you have a draft. And if it's an all-volunteer Army, you get people who join up because of some problem in their own lives. They don't have anything else to do, they don't have a job, or they can't find what they want to do, so they join the Army. And it doesn't produce the best Army.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.

I'm already suspicious of anyone who thinks he or she is smart enough to be president. You'd have to have some ego to believe that about yourself.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

When there are starving people in the world, it seems wrong that so many of us Americans eat as much for entertainment as for nourishment.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea. That's the way to get an idea.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.

Republicans ... are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then set out to get all we can for ourselves by working hard for it, that things will be better for everyone. They are not insensitive to the poor, but tend to think the poor are impoverished because they won't work. They think there would be fewer of them to feel sorry for if the government did not encourage the proliferation of the

Love is more pleasant once you get out of your twenties. It doesn't hurt all the time.

I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.