Andy Rooney

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion - as long as it agrees with ours.

In the United States alone, we spend seven times as much on war as on education. There's something wrong there. On this Memorial Day, we should certainly honor those who have died at war, but we should dedicate this day, not so much to their memory, but to the search for a way to end the idiocy of the wars that killed them.

Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don't use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don't have much interest in the information. I'm the opposite.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

One day about 10 years ago the door to my office opened and who walked in but Bill Gates.... Seemed like a nice guy and has done more with his money than most billionaires. But that's as far as I want to go being kind to Bill Gates.

Most college students are not as smart as most college presidents.

I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.

It is possible to be dumb and be a college president.

If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.

I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.

I often pass a farm with cows grazing in the field and I think to myself how terrible it is that human beings grow other animals just to kill them and eat them. Most of us think of vegetarians as nuts and I'm not a vegetarian but I wouldn't be surprised if we came to a time in 50 or 100 years when civilized people everywhere refused to eat animals.

I just wish insignificance had more stature.