Aug 30, 1948 - Present
American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor.
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I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
Everybody's got cable.
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'
