Lewis Black

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say \'I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up.\'

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! \'We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again.\'

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say \'abortion\' and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling \'The British are coming! The British are coming!\'

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!