Lewis Black

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; That George Bush, he's a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - an

How our government works... it doesn't.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say \'FOSSIL\'. If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?