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Narrator: Martha Stewart. Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns. (Ace Goodman) Narrator: It was worth every penny. Marla Singer: It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it's on the side of the road. [Grabs Narrator's crotch] Marla Singer: Tinsel still clinging to it. Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape. Narrator: Well, then it suits you. Marla Singer: You can borrow it sometime. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Narrator: What? (Ace Goodman) Narrator: Wait. What is this place? Tyler Durden: A liposuction clinic. (Ace Goodman) Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick. Narrator: Sorry, throwers? Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police. Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating? Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... [whispering] Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo. Narrator: I don't own... (Ace Goodman) [voice-over] Narrator: I'd like to thank the Academy... (Ace Goodman) Narrator: There's always that. (Ace Goodman) Marla Singer: You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all. Narrator: Okay, good, fine. Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think. Marla Singer: Well, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls. Narrator: You're kidding. Marla Singer: I don't know... am I? Narrator: No, no! What do you want? Marla Singer: I'll take the parasites. Narrator: You can't have both the parasites, but while you take the blood parasites... Marla Singer: I want brain parasites. Narrator: I'll take the blood parasites. But I'm gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay? Marla Singer: I want that. Narrator: You can't have the whole brain, that's... Marla Singer: So far you have four, I only have two! Narrator: Okay. Take both the parasites. They're yours. Now we both have three... (Ace Goodman) | |
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