Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET... (Curtis Ken)
Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others.
Gingerbread Man: Eat me. (Curtis Ken)
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster. (Curtis Ken)
Little Pig: He hooffed unt he poooffed unt he... signed an eviction notice. (Curtis Ken)
Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table... (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles. (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO.
Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you? (Curtis Ken)
Shrek: Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE!
Dwarf: Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
Shrek: What?
Big Bad Wolf: [dressed as Grandmother in bed] What? (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder. (Curtis Ken)
Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest. (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some strong gases eeking outta my butt that day. (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS. (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha. (Curtis Ken)
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
[nose grows]
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. (Curtis Ken)
Shrek: This is the part where you run away. (Curtis Ken)
Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Wolf: NO!
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom? (Curtis Ken)
Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away. (Curtis Ken)
Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays. (Curtis Ken)
[to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar]
The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face? (Curtis Ken)
Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. (Curtis Ken)
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