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  • Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. (Ace Goodman)
  • Puppets at the Information Center: [singing] / Welcome to Duloc / Such a perfect town / Here we have some rules / Let us lay them down / Don't make waves / Stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes / Wipe your... FACE. / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place.
    Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again. (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? (Ace Goodman)
  • Magic Mirror: Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
    Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
    Lord Farquaad: Thelonius?
    [Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
    Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET... (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others.
    Gingerbread Man: Eat me. (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
    Gingerbread Man: You're a monster. (Ace Goodman)
  • Little Pig: He hooffed unt he poooffed unt he... signed an eviction notice. (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table... (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles. (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
    Shrek: Of course.
    Donkey: Really?
    Shrek: NO.
    Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
    Shrek: I like my privacy.
    Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
    [big awkward silence ensues]
    Donkey: ... Can I stay with you? (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE!
    Dwarf: Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
    Shrek: What?
    Big Bad Wolf: [dressed as Grandmother in bed] What? (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
    Shrek: That would be my home.
    Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder. (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
    The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest. (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some strong gases eeking outta my butt that day. (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS. (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha. (Ace Goodman)
  • Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
    [nose grows]
    Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: This is the part where you run away. (Ace Goodman)
  • Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
    Wolf: What?
    Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
    Wolf: NO!
    Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
    Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
    Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom? (Ace Goodman)
  • Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away. (Ace Goodman)
  • Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays. (Ace Goodman)
  • [to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar]
    The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face? (Ace Goodman)
  • Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. (Ace Goodman)
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