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Narrator: Will Valedor defeat the Spider Queen in this daring duel to the death? Will Kerr be revived by his heretofore unknown alien regenerative powers and use his new atomic disintegration cannon to destroy the giant spider warrior? Find out in the next thrilling installment of Captain Valedor versus the Spider Queen! (Ace Goodman)
Kerr: It's as black as a Zardovian winter in here, Dr. Photon! Are you sure this is the generator room?
Dr. Photon: As sure as science, Kerr. (Ace Goodman)
Robert Feldman: I really believe he became so close with his own teachings, that he wanted to burn from within and go join don Juan, even if that was a fictitious person that he made up. (Ace Goodman)
Victor Sanchez: It's certainly an extraordinary phenomenon. Carlos Castaneda is going to remain a mystery, a really appealing mystery, until the end. Forever. (Ace Goodman)
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Daniel C. Noel: These books made the reader into an apprentice. And just like Carlos was presented as being an apprentice to don Juan, the reader is an apprentice to the writing of Castaneda. (Ace Goodman)
Amy Wallace: He was, he was just, impossibly vital. Every day was a new strange command, an excitement; a new vista, a new adventure. I mean he, he delivered up a twelve ring circus. He was the Wizard of Oz. (Ace Goodman)
Daniel C. Noel: These were not ordinary books. Whether you were straight or stoned they did something to you (Ace Goodman)
Carlos Castaneda: Reality of consensus is only a very small segment of the total range of what we could feel as real. If we could learn to code reality or stimuli the way a shaman does, perhaps we could elongate our range of what we call real to a different interpretation. But the only way we have to code it is as hallucination. Madness. We cannot conceive that one could do it. (Ace Goodman)
Grandma Mirabeau: [to granddaughter in labor] Now, you breathe deep and you push hard. You push and you push. You push harder, harder, harder, harder, or I will go down there and get a plunger and SUCK that baby out of you! (Ace Goodman)
The Genie: Wishes are coming true at random... everybody's except yours! (Ace Goodman)
Leslie: [Leslie and Gayle are watching Spanish-language TV] Their stuff is worse than our stuff.
Gayle: I just wish I could speak it like you do.
Leslie: You don't need to understand the words to watch TV. Stupidity is the universal language. (Ace Goodman)
Leslie: ...You gotta admit, she's a sociopath.
Gayle: Is that anything like a psychopath?
Leslie: With a lower body count, yeah. (Ace Goodman)
Leslie: I have socks that are older than you. (Ace Goodman)
Jack Norkem: Why'd the old timer have to eat so much?
Colleen Norkem: Sheez, he's a big man!
Eric Norkem: Maybe that's the way they make them in Holland. (Ace Goodman)
Burai: We are the Neo-Sapiens. Bow down before us. (Ace Goodman)
Barashin: My name is Barashin!
Casshern: And mine is... Casshern! (Ace Goodman)
The Cat: Hey, look, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those. (Ace Goodman)
Mr. Humberfloob: First let's give a warm welcome to our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFinnigan.
[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I'd like to thank you for...
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired!
Jim McFinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee... dah! (Ace Goodman)
Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave. (Ace Goodman)
The Cat: Anything. I?ll get you? and it. Look like a bloody accident. (Ace Goodman)
The Cat: [in the S.L.O.W] Here, you wanna drive?
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Hey, cool!
Sally: Hey, I wanna drive!
The Cat: Okay.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Hey! Two people can't drive!
The Cat: You're right. We should all drive! (Ace Goodman)
The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother! (Ace Goodman)
[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out! (Ace Goodman)
The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat. (Ace Goodman)
Lawrence Quinn: [to Sally] Hey Princess.
Sally: Oh I don't want to be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the power. (Ace Goodman)
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