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Tony: What? Colin: I've bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks. Tony: No! Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin. Tony: No! Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're going out with rich, attractive guys. Colin: Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom. Tony: That is total bollocks. You're mad. Colin: No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family. Tony: No, Colin, no! Colin: Yes! Tony: Nyet! Colin: Da! Tony: Nein! Colin: Ja, darling! (Ace Goodman) Harry: Is she? Karen: You know she is darling. Be careful there. (Ace Goodman) Aurelia: [to Jamie] Jamie's friends are so good looking! Aurelia: [to friends] He never tells me this. I think now, maybe I make the wrong choice, pick wrong Englishman? Jamie: She can't speak English properly, she doesn't know what she's saying. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Daniel: Option One: ask her out. Sam: Impossible. Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend. Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys. Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you. Sam: It's a route I've considered. Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of... Sam: Hygiene. (Ace Goodman) Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me. Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they? Daniel: Uh-huh. Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends. Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl! Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever. (Ace Goodman) Colin: Uh, Bottle. Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [giggling, mimicking accent] BOHT-el! Jeannie, American Angel: [points to straw] How 'bout this? Colin: Straw. Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [mimicking accent] Strohw! Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [points to table] And this? Colin: Table. Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [starting to repeat] Tab - Oh, the same. It's the same. [Colin nods apologetically] (Ace Goodman) Aurelia: Just in cases. (Ace Goodman) Daniel: I think it's brilliant! It's stellar! Uh, apart from the one little, obvious, tiny, little baby hiccup... Sam: That I don't play a musical instrument. Daniel: Yessir. Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail. (Ace Goodman) Sam: I'm not hungry. Daniel: Sam... I've done chicken kebabs! Sam: Look at the sign on the door. [he starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and sees the sign, which says, "I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY"] Daniel: Okay... (Ace Goodman) Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. [holds up one finger] Sam: She's "the one". Daniel: Fair enough. (Ace Goodman) Harry: No. I was just looking around. Karen: Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. "Oh-but-you-always-LOVE-scarves"! Actually, I do love this one. (Ace Goodman) Harris Street little girl: Oh, are you here to sing carols? Prime Minister: No... actually, I... Harris Street little girl: Please! Please sing Christmas carols! Christmas carols! [pause] Prime Minister: [singing] Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen / When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel / When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel. [little girl and her friends dance and cheer] Prime Minister: Thank you. Merry Christmas. [shuts the door] (Ace Goodman) Radio 1 chart show DJ: Hi, Billy! Billy Mack: Hello. Radio 1 chart show DJ: We're live across the nation, and you're number one! [Billy laughs] Radio 1 chart show DJ: How will you be celebrating? Billy Mack: I don't know. Er, either I could behave like a real rock-and-roll loser, and get drunk with my fat manager, or when I hang up I'll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties. Radio 1 chart show DJ: Let's hope it's the latter, Billy. And here it is again, Number One by Billy Mack, it's "Christmas Is All Around." Billy Mack: Oh, Jesus, not that crap again! [laughter] (Ace Goodman) Billy Mack: Hello? Elton! Of course. Of, of course! Send an embarrassingly big car and I'll be there! (Ace Goodman) Jamie's mum: Jamie, darling! Jamie: Sorry. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Jamie's niece: I HATE Uncle Jamie! (Ace Goodman) Jeannie, American Angel: Harriet! Carol-Anne, American Goddess: Yeah, you haven't met Harriet. Colin: There's a fourth one? Stacey, American Dreamgirl: Don't worry, you're totally gonna like her because she is the "sexy one". (Ace Goodman) Karl: Well I'd better go. Sarah: OK. Karl: Goodbye. Sarah: Goodbye. [he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately] Karl: Actually, I don't *have* to go. Sarah: Good. Would you just excuse me for a second? [she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns] Sarah: Right, that's done. Why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds. (Ace Goodman) Sam: There she is! [he runs to her] Joanna Anderson: Hi! [Sam wants to kiss her, but holds back.] Sam: Hello. Daniel: [watching] Agh! He should have kissed her... Carol: No, that's cool. (Ace Goodman) [Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field] Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you. (Ace Goodman) Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you. (Ace Goodman) | |
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