Nicholas: No, what is this? What are you... selling?
Jim Feingold: Oh. It's a game. (Coyote Peter)
New Member Ted: This was the best one *ever*!
Jim Feingold: [shakes Nicholas's hand] You know, thank God you jumped, because if you didn't, I was supposed to throw you off! (Coyote Peter)
Samuel Sutherland: [Nicholas is making rounds at his birthday party] Nicholas, I haven't a *clue* what's going on, but your taste in champagne is excellent, as always.
Anson Baer: It was a *great* entrance! (Coyote Peter)
Nicholas: What's that?
Conrad: [signs document] This... is... the bill.
Nicholas: Do you want to split it?
Conrad: [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that...
[shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom of receipt]
Nicholas: [shocked look] Oh my God... (Coyote Peter)
Nicholas: And you really believe that just because you publish children's books, people are going to care about my reputation? You can have pictures of me wearing nipple rings, butt-fucking Captain Kangaroo. The only thing they care about is the stock and whether that stock is up or down! (Coyote Peter)
Daniel Schorr: [on TV] There's a tiny camera looking at you right now.
Nicholas: That's impossible.
Daniel Schorr: You're right, impossible. You're having a conversation with your television. (Coyote Peter)
Shrek: [fighting over a log] Stubborn *jackass*!
The Donkey: Smelly *ogre*! (Coyote Peter)
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt.
The Donkey: What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm fine.
The Donkey: You can't die on me, Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich? (Coyote Peter)
Donkey: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. (Coyote Peter)
Donkey: You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it?
Donkey: Then why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking.
Donkey: Oh, yes you are.
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.
Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek: Everyone! All right?
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere. (Coyote Peter)
Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy...
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage...
Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down...
[tap-dancing]
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start ...
[Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying! (Coyote Peter)
Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess! (Coyote Peter)
The Donkey: [waking up] What'd I miss?
[suddenly notices the guards walking by]
The Donkey: [Trying to throw his voice] Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. (Coyote Peter)
The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. (Coyote Peter)
[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]
Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.
[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]
Shrek: Ow!
Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff. (Coyote Peter)
Shrek: Hey, I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. (Coyote Peter)
Donkey: Well so much for noble steed. (Coyote Peter)
Shrek: Little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
Donkey: Really tall?
Shrek: No. I'm an ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchfork. Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: Nope.
Shrek: Really?
Donkey: Really, Really. Man I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Er, Shrek. (Coyote Peter)
Gingerbread Man: NOT MY BUTTONS. Not my gum-drop buttons. (Coyote Peter)
[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp]
Villager 1: Do you know what that thing could do?
Villager 2: It'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes... Actually, it's quite good on toast. (Coyote Peter)
Donkey: Parfait's gotta be the tastiest thing on the whole damn planet. (Coyote Peter)
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