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Nicholas: You shouldn't have. Conrad: What do you get for the man who has... everything? Nicholas: [reading card] "Consumer Recreation Services." Well, I do have golf clubs. Conrad: Call that number. Nicholas: Why? Conrad: Make your life... fun. Nicholas: Fun. Conrad: You know what that is... uh, you've seen other people have it. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Jim Feingold: Oh. It's a game. (Ace Goodman) Jim Feingold: [shakes Nicholas's hand] You know, thank God you jumped, because if you didn't, I was supposed to throw you off! (Ace Goodman) Anson Baer: It was a *great* entrance! (Ace Goodman) Conrad: [signs document] This... is... the bill. Nicholas: Do you want to split it? Conrad: [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that... [shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom of receipt] Nicholas: [shocked look] Oh my God... (Ace Goodman) Nicholas: That's impossible. Daniel Schorr: You're right, impossible. You're having a conversation with your television. (Ace Goodman) The Donkey: Smelly *ogre*! (Ace Goodman) The Donkey: What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die! Shrek: Donkey, I'm fine. The Donkey: You can't die on me, Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich? (Ace Goodman) Shrek: No! You think? Donkey: Are you hiding something? Shrek: Let it go, Donkey. Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why won't you talk about it? Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it? Donkey: Then why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking. Donkey: Oh, yes you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you. Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek? Shrek: Everyone! All right? Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere. (Ace Goodman) Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy... Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage... Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good! Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood! Monsieur Hood: Break it down... [tap-dancing] Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get... Monsieur Hood: Paid! Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad! Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad! Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad! Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start ... [Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops] Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying! (Ace Goodman) Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess! (Ace Goodman) [suddenly notices the guards walking by] The Donkey: [Trying to throw his voice] Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. (Ace Goodman) Princess Fiona: Why... yes! The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. (Ace Goodman) Blind Mouse: I found some cheese. [Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear] Shrek: Ow! Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff. (Ace Goodman) Donkey: Really tall? Shrek: No. I'm an ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchfork. Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, Really. Man I like you. What's your name? Shrek: Er, Shrek. (Ace Goodman) Villager 1: Do you know what that thing could do? Villager 2: It'll grind your bones for its bread. Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes... Actually, it's quite good on toast. (Ace Goodman) | |
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