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Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts. (Chong Tommy)
The President: C'mon, let me nuke that bastard.
Commander Gilmour: Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it? (Chong Tommy)
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: RARRR.
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father.
Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin: Right. Idiot, yes (Chong Tommy)
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Dr. Evil: Mini-me, you complete me. (Chong Tommy)
Fat Bastard: [to Felicity] Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself. [Farts] (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do.
[pauses]
Dr. Evil: I would probably move on, get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star."
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Nothing.
[pretends to sneeze]
Dr. Evil: Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you. (Chong Tommy)
Austin: How does that feel, baby?
Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower.
Austin: [deep voice] How does that feel, baby? (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand?
Dr. Evil: You aren't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I once popped a cop cause he wasn't giving my props in Oak town. No? I've heard that somewhere. (Chong Tommy)
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably. (Chong Tommy)
Frau Farbissina: They made a clone. (Chong Tommy)
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. *Chili's* Baby back ribs. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the laser. Maybe you and the laser should go get a freakin room. (Chong Tommy)
Felicity Shagwell: So Austin tell me about the future.
Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by DAMN DIRTY APES.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh My God. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Look, I'm Zippy Longstockings. (Chong Tommy)
Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly. (Chong Tommy)
Ivana: My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot (Chong Tommy)
Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming
Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it's SQUIDGY. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know? (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Sick as a dog. Gonna vomit. (Chong Tommy)
Felicity Shagwell: I want to see how the 70s and 80s turn out.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s? I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it. (Chong Tommy)
Austin: Shut up, you bastard... who is fat... (Chong Tommy)
Fat Bastard: [after Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch] Owwww... Right in the mummy-daddy button.
Austin: I don't care if he is a fat bastard, Felicity, you don't kick a man in the pills... it's just not cricket. (Chong Tommy)
Dr. Evil: Mini-me, we do not gnaw on the kitty. (Chong Tommy)
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