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Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal. Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure. Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet? Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week. (Ace Goodman) Dom Portwood: Who's he? Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot. Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah. Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here. Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck. Bob Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch. Bill Lumbergh: Great. Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go? Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally. Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been *missing* it, Bob. (Ace Goodman) Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Lawrence: Yeah. Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over? Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too. (Ace Goodman) Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison! (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Bob Slydell: Great. Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour. Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out? Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Initech. Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna: What's that? Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna: You're just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Joanna: Won't you get fired? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna: So you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna: When did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago. Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and... Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either. Joanna: So what do you wanna do? Peter Gibbons: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu? Joanna: I love kung fu. Peter Gibbons: Channel 39. Joanna: Totally. Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch kung fu tonight. Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok. (Ace Goodman) Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name. Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys. Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. (Ace Goodman) Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point. Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do? Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Well yeah. Peter Gibbons: Nothing. Lawrence: Nothing, huh? Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit. (Ace Goodman) Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed. Samir: Piece of shit. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh. (Ace Goodman) Bob Porter: Don't... don't care? Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now. Bob Porter: Eight? Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic. Samir: So what did you say? Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech. Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars. Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you [printer starts beeping] Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean? (Ace Goodman) Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security. Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... [nods] Peter Gibbons: because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with. Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK? Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy. (Ace Goodman) Samir: Of course. Michael Bolton: Agreed Lawrence: [from the next apartment through wall] Don't worry man. I won't tell anyone about this either. Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that? Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: OK. Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys. Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me. Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well. Bob Porter: Excellent. Bob Slydell: Great... Wow. (Ace Goodman) Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it. Dom Portwood: Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even a problem anymore. Dom Portwood: Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right! (Ace Goodman) Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard. Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea. (Ace Goodman) Mrs. Restes: More? More what? Jimmy Foster: Money. M-O-N-Y. Sam Harmon: "E" Jimmy Foster: M-O-N-*E*-Y (Ace Goodman) | |
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