Phil: Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today. (Ward Lalla)
Larry: People think that all cameramen do is point the camera at things, but it's a *heck* of a lot more complicated than that. (Ward Lalla)
Phil: I'm a god. I'm not *the* God... I don't think. (Ward Lalla)
[to Rita about Phil]
Larry: Did he actually refer to himself as "the talent"? (Ward Lalla)
Phil: You wanna throw up here, or you wanna throw up in the car?
Ralph: I think... both. (Ward Lalla)
Ned: Phil?
Phil: Ned.
[Punches Ned in the face] (Ward Lalla)
Ned: Phil? Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you. Now don't you tell me you don't remember me 'cause I sure as heckfire remember you.
Phil: Not a chance.
Ned: Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?
Phil: Ned Ryerson?
Ned: BING.
Phil: Bing. (Ward Lalla)
Steve: The only thing we can control in this life is not the event itself but our own perception of it. (Ward Lalla)
Gypsy: [to Clive] I want the world to hear my voice, you know. I want them to write my lyrics on their AOL profiles just like they do Stevie. And when my CD comes out, I want all these assholes to line up at the fucking mall and kiss my ass one sound-scan at a time. (Ward Lalla)
Woman: Excuese me. May I ask you a question? Do you think it's appropriate to dance in a graveyard?
Clive: Don't you think that we should dance while we can?
Woman: I think you should have more respect for the dead and especially for yourself.
Gypsy: Excuse me?
Woman: I didn't want to mention this, but you could be a very pretty girl, but that
[points at Gypsy's cleavage bearing ensemble]
Woman: would be inappropriate for any young lady. Especially for someone your size.
Gypsy: Look, Granny, I am a pretty girl, ok? Big is beautiful. Haven't you heard? And for the record, I don't give a flying fuck or a rolling rimjob what you or anyone else thinks of me. You're dismissed. (Ward Lalla)
Clive: I don't think I ever want to have sex.
Gypsy: Mm-hmm
Clive: I'm serious.
Gypsy: Ok.
Clive: I just want someone to kiss, with big, soft, delicious lips. He'd have to smother me in old-school romance. I mean, candles and incense, Moët and Chandon, but only in a deserted castle in the south of France.
Gypsy: [releases pent-up laughter] Oh my god. You are so much more of a girl than I am. (Ward Lalla)
Clive: Sex just seems so... messy.
Gypsy: Oh, no, no. Sex can be awesome. Not that I would remember, but...
Clive: Maybe you and I should try.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I think I'm past my wayward-sex fag-hag test-fuck phase... but thanks for the offer. It's just "been there, done that."
Clive: At least I'd know for sure.
Gypsy: Honey, you're a queer, with a capital "Q."
Clive: Ok, you know what? Some of us don't care to be defined by our sexuality.
Gypsy: Ok, sorry. Can I ask you a question?
Clive: What?
Gypsy: Are you gay?
Clive: Yes! But I don't have anything in common with those people. I mean, like I give a rat's ass about Judy Garland or... Stonewall!
[Gypsy laughs]
Clive: Being queer is a very small part of me.
Gypsy: Yeah, whatever. (Ward Lalla)
Captain Ron: Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking. You can do it, mates. I've never seen such sailors. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals. My God, everyone of you, naturals... We're gonna fucking die. (Ward Lalla)
Benjamin Harvey: [Overhearing his parents] Wow. We're getting a boat? Too cool.
Katherine Harvey: Ben, remember our discussion about eavesdropping?
Benjamin Harvey: Okay. But we're getting a boat?
Katherine Harvey: Your father and I have to talk about it.
Benjamin Harvey: Alright. We're getting a boat. (Ward Lalla)
Katherine Harvey: We'll be spontaneous when we have time. (Ward Lalla)
Benjamin Harvey: Man. What happened to your eye?
Martin Harvey: Ben.
Katherine Harvey: Sweetie, that's rude.
Captain Ron: No, that's alright. Shark attack, swab.
Benjamin Harvey: A shark ate your eye? (Ward Lalla)
Captain Ron: [Telling how he lost his eye] Yeah, it happened when I went down off the coast of Australia.
Katherine Harvey: Your boat sank?
Captain Ron: No, no, no, no. Not my boat. My boss's boat. Yeah, we hit this reef. Huge son-of-a-bitch. Ran the whole coast.
Katherine Harvey: Wait. The Great Barrier Reef?
Captain Ron: You've heard of it, huh? (Ward Lalla)
Captain Ron: [to Ben] Hey swab. C'mere. Listen up. Now, the way it works shipboard is, you do your job. You do it good, you get a better job. Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.
[Ben nods]
Captain Ron: Alright. Get on it.
Captain Ron: [to Martin] Sort've an incentive kind of a deal, huh?
Martin Harvey: Ah. Good.
Captain Ron: Yeah, incentives are important. I learned that in rehab. (Ward Lalla)
[as Ben moves Captain Ron's beer]
Captain Ron: Hey. Get your hands off that.
Benjamin Harvey: I was just moving it. I wasn't gonna drink it.
Captain Ron: You bet your little booty, you wasn't. You want a beer, you get your own beer. (Ward Lalla)
Handsome Guerilla: The American girls are very... what's the word? Superficial.
Caroline Harvey: Yeah. God, I really hate that. Like, I'm into different cultures and different ways of doing things. Like we're watching "Mr. Ed" on TV the other day, and he's speaking French, or something. (Ward Lalla)
Captain Ron: [after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made. (Ward Lalla)
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