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Capt. James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass? Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked. (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: Don't worry. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Capt. James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power? Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years! Capt. James West: Damn! (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy? McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy. Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand? McGrath: Woof! Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak! McGrath: [panting] Woof! Woof! Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt. (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize. (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil? (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men! (Ace Goodman) Artemus Gordon: A bedside heater. Capt. James West: What? Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there. (Ace Goodman) Capt. James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted! Dr. Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age! Capt. James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment! Capt. James West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next! (Ace Goodman) Capt. James West: What did you just say? Artemus Gordon: Nothing. Capt. James West: You just said "ass." Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. No, I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air." (Ace Goodman) Oscar Wilde: I'm not sure I have a position. Marquess of Queensberry: I'm for it. I wrote a poem about it. 'When I am dead, cremate me.' That's how it starts. 'When... I am dead... cremate me'. Whaddya think of that for an opening line? Oscar Wilde: It's... challenging. (Ace Goodman) Catron: Best thing you can do for him, pilgrim, is make him rest easy while he waits till the end. Anything he drinks is on the house. And then you can bury him out back and away from the hogs. And it won't cost much. I'll even carve him a nice head marker. Twenty-five dollars sound about right? The ground is kind of hard this time of year... and the diggin' ain't easy. (Ace Goodman) Will Penny: It wasn't money started you in the cattle business, Anse. Anse Howard: Well, what do you think it was, Will? Will Penny: More like a long rope and a hot iron! (Ace Goodman) | |
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