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  • Donald: Can we bring the tiger, sir?
    Specialist Catering Commander: No, we can't bring the fucking tiger! It's more trouble than it's worth! (Ace Goodman)
  • Sir Mortimer Chris: You can't show you're resolute without showing you are strong. And you can't show you're strong without blowing people up. (Ace Goodman)
  • Lacrobat: Whistling condoms. They come in seven tunes, and so can you. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sir Mortimer Chris: You see, we of the Conservative government think that it's appalling to spend billions on nuclear weapons if they're not going to be used. (Ace Goodman)
  • Duncan: [collecting the heads of slaughtered SAS people] Hey, Denzel's had his haircut.
    Specialist Catering Commander: Oh, yeah. (Ace Goodman)
  • President Barbara Adams: How's life?
    Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: Still serving it. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sir Mortimer Chris: Santa Maya must be liberated by any means necessary. Even diplomacy if it should come to it. (Ace Goodman)
  • Specialist Catering Commander: Duncan! Post the heads to their widows. And get the addresses right this time. (Ace Goodman)
  • Specialist Catering Commander: You fucking bunch of dickheads. You mean to say we lost eleven men fighting a group of waxworks? (Ace Goodman)
  • Sir Mortimer Chris: Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don't we gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sir Mortimer Chris: You think that nuclear war is unthinkable, because once it starts, no-one can win. Well, you're wrong! (Ace Goodman)
  • CIA Agent: Hey, don't try anything stupid down there.
    Gus Cardinale: What could be fucking stupider than this? (Ace Goodman)
  • Francis Mahoney: What's the matter? Did you get your face caught in a zipper? (Ace Goodman)
  • Gus Cardinale: Bruno, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
    Bruno: Don't worry, there's plenty of more where that came from... (Ace Goodman)
  • Bob the Turk: I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it because they didn't do something someone told them to do.
    Gus Cardinale: Don't worry Bob, I would never do something to make someone do something to someone, because that someone didn't do something that someone wanted them to do.
    Bob the Turk: I'm glad we understand each other.
    Gus Cardinale: ...Me too. (Ace Goodman)
  • Guile: You tossed the diamonds? How could you have thrown the wrong box?
    Billy Ray: I dropped them, Guile. Couldn't tell which was which.
    Guile: You tossed the diamonds. All that surveillance, all those weeks of planning for a box of ROCKS AND DIRTY SOCKS!
    Billy Ray: Get off my back, already! It was an honest mistake.
    Guile: Honest? HONEST? Here's a news flash for you: WE ARE CROOKS!
    Billy Ray: It was a freaking judgment call! I screwed up, let's leave it at that! It's not as if you made your share of mistakes!
    Guile: All right, all right, Fine. I was just thinking of all those beautiful diamonds that YOU THREW AWAY!
    Billy Ray: Look at the bright side...
    Guile: Oh? Oh, you mean there's a bright side?
    Billy Ray: There's always tomorrow...
    Guile: Oh...Oh thank you, little orphan Annie! (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Kingsclere: He's very lucky with the weather. Must be depressing to be hanged on a damp day. (Ace Goodman)
  • Caroline: I hate cruelty.
    Kit Locksby: That's unusual... in a woman. (Ace Goodman)
  • Barbara Worth: Why did you shoot that horse? I'd rather kill a man any day. (Ace Goodman)
  • Barbara Worth: I never could resist anything that belonged to somebody else. (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Summerisle: Do sit down, Sergeant. Shocks are so much better absorbed with the knees bent. (Ace Goodman)
  • Lord Summerisle: Afternoon Sergeant Howie. I trust the sight of the young people refreshes you.
    Sergeant Howie: No sir, it does not. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sergeant Howie: Your lordship seems strangely... unconcerned.
    Lord Summerisle: I am confident your suspicions are wrong, Sergeant. We do not commit murder here. We are a deeply religious people.
    Sergeant Howie: Religious? With ruined churches, no ministers, no priests... and children dancing naked!
    Lord Summerisle: They do love their divinity lessons.
    Sergeant Howie: But they are... a-are naked!
    Lord Summerisle: Well, naturally. It's much too dangerous to jump through fire with their clothes on. (Ace Goodman)
  • Sergeant Howie: I believe in the life eternal, as promised to us by our Lord, Jesus Christ.
    Lord Summerisle: That is good, for believing what you do, we confer upon you a rare gift, these days - a martyr's death. (Ace Goodman)
  • May Morrison: You'll simply never understand the true nature of sacrifice. (Ace Goodman)
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  • Music is a very personal and emotional form of communication. (Trevor Dunn)