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Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea (Ace Goodman) Attendee: Brought peace? Reg: Oh, peace - shut up! Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. Dissenter: Uh, well, one. Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid. (Ace Goodman) Brian?s mother: Stop thinking about sex! Brian: I wasn't! Brian?s mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? " (Ace Goodman) Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few. (Ace Goodman) | |
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Brian: I do! Reg: Oh yeah, how much? Brian: A lot! Reg: Right, you're in. (Ace Goodman) Coordinator: Crucifixion? Prisoner: Yes. Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [Next prisoner] Coordinator: Crucifixion? Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually. Coordinator: What? Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere. Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then. Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really. Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well... Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. (Ace Goodman) Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, more like. (Ace Goodman) [they all stab themselves] Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh? (Ace Goodman) Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! Followers: He is! He is the Messiah! Brian: Now, fuck off! [silence] Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord? (Ace Goodman) Brian: There's no pleasing some people. Ex-Leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir. (Ace Goodman) Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"? Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir. Brian: Well, what happened? Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir. Brian: Cured? Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you! Brian: Who cured you? Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder. (Ace Goodman) Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir. (Ace Goodman) The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them! Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals! The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals! Brian: You're all different! The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different! Man in crowd: I'm not... The Crowd: Sch! (Ace Goodman) Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg. Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. " Brian: What? Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time. (Ace Goodman) [Everyone gasps] Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself! Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it? Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He! Jewish Official: Was it you? Stoner: Yes. Jewish Official: Right... Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. " [Crowd throws rocks at the stoner] Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. " [Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death] (Ace Goodman) The Crowd: Yes, we are all different! Small lonely voice: I'm not! (Ace Goodman) Wise Man #2: Capricorn. Brian?s mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like? Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah. Wise Man #1: King of the Jews. Brian?s mother: And that's Capricorn, is it? Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him. Brian?s mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. (Ace Goodman) Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry. Reg: What's the *point*? Francis: What? Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies? Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality. (Ace Goodman) Matthias: No. Centurion: Crucifixion! Matthias: Oh. Centurion: Nasty, eh? Matthias: Could be worse. Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"? Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed. Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. Centurion: You're weird! (Ace Goodman) Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers? Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. (Ace Goodman) Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house? Brian: It says, "Romans go home. " Centurion: No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on ! Brian: Er, "Romanus" ! Centurion: Vocative plural of "Romanus" is? Brian: Er, er, "Romani" ! Centurion: [Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" ! Brian: Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt". Centurion: So, "eunt" is...? Brian: Third person plural present indicative, "they go". Centurion: But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use...? [He twists Brian's ear] Brian: Aaagh ! The imperative ! Centurion: Which is...? Brian: Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" ! Centurion: How many Romans? Brian: Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" ! Centurion: [Writes "ite"] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it? Brian: Dative ! [the Centurion holds a sword to his throat] Brian: Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "Domum" ! Centurion: But "Domus" takes the locative, which is...? Brian: Er, "Domum" ! Centurion: [Writes "Domum"] Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times. Brian: Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. Centurion: Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. (Ace Goodman) Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons. Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name? Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'. [the Centurion laughs] Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? Centurion: Well, no, sir. Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked? Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir. Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? " Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir. Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. [guard chuckles] Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that. Brian: Can I go now, sir? [slap] Brian: Aaah! Eh. Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! [guard chuckles] Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away! Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only... Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week. Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you. [takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically] Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... [another guard chuckles] Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus? [more chuckling] Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'... [chuckle] Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus? [both guards chuckle] Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this? Pontius Pilate: [Laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! (Ace Goodman) | |
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